By:  Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log #17

Ah, obesity.  It is truly an underrated way of life.

I, for instance, have decided that my body needs one to two more tons of girth.  As People Magazine once said "Healthy Bodies Are In!", and I for one am taking that very seriously.  Unlike most people, I found it imperative that I gain weight as soon as humanly possible.  After all, fashion waits for no man!

In order to obtain my dream of fatty delights, I rushed right over to my local supermarket.  I found its numerous aisles almost erotic as I coasted my grocery cart up and down each one.  Quickly shoving as many goods as possible into my cart, my body tingled at the thought of being at one with fashion.
Mocha chip ice cream and Skippy peanut butter could not escape my meaty hands.  If given the opportunity, I believe I could have easily chased down and eaten a greased pig.   Sure, I received more than one dirty look as I rolled my three squeaky carts up to the register, but by God, it was worth it.  When I carried my thousand dollars in groceries to my apartment, I was not a mere man.  I was a god!

I decided to start eating as soon as I reached my humble abode.  Cooking takes up far too much time and cooks away much needed fat, so I decided that raw was the best way to go.  Oh, how I trembled as I held that raw ground beef sammich to my quivering lips!   I knew that fashion was just a bite away.  Scarfing down the cold yet scrumptious bready/meaty delight, I soon found my tummy aching for the bathroom.   Since I'm not one to argue with vital organs, I obeyed my stomach and rushed there.

I vomited freely while gripping the sides of my chilled porcelain toilet.  Sweet reader, it was pure hell seeing the fruits of my labors go spinning down the toilet.   Although my noble spirit was broken, new ideas were being hatched in my fertile mind.  Bulimia!  It was becoming a thing of the past in People Magazine, but I wasn't afraid to set my own trends.  I marched into the kitchen, grabbed myself some chocolate cake mix, and went to town.  The toilet and I met again soon after.  Sure, the acids that normally reside in my stomach burned my throat and mouth, but it was all in the name of trendsetting.

Look out toilet!  Here I come!