By:  Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log #2486

I'm sure you all know of my envied talent of creative writing.   Although this wonderful gift currently pumping through my veins is a rare treasure, many have grown to hate me for it.

Ignoring the pleas of family and strangers that ignore my sexual advances, I decided to pitch my new television idea to several important television execs.  I was sure it would be snapped up in a second.  After all, who wouldn't want to see the spectacular new series Diff'rent Strokes NOW?  I'm sure all of us have wondered what happened to Arnold, Willis, and America's sweetheart, Kimberly.  Apparently, Arnold and Willis are now street-tough cops with hearts of gold.  They fight crime by day, and make with the lovin' at night.  The modern Kimberly owns a classy restaurant called "The Wily Sea Biscuit".  She's a lovable wisecracking bundle of joy.

After writing the pilot, I knew the folks at ABC would urinate on themselves just to touch my script.  I thought it was imperative that I bring this quivering booket to the networks ASAP.  After all, it would be selfish of me to withhold it from the public.  

Those television execs just love being coy.  One playfully spit at me and kicked me out after I cleverly found the way to his office through a heating duct.  Curiously, the fact that I was forced to lubricate myself in order to make it through those ducts only seemed to increase the executive's feigned agitation.

Much to the reader's surprise, I'm sure, this incident did not conquer me.  I plowed foward with my plans to make Gary Coleman a household name yet again.  In the darkest corners of my infested apartment, I have often wept over the plights of Arnold Jackson.   I often watch the original episodes of Diff'rent Strokes and wish I had the same brightly-colored running suits as young Arnold. 

While I did not succeed per se, I did learn an important lesson.  I believe it can be best summed up by the vice president of NBC, who thoughtfully elected not to press charges.  He said, "Don't be afraid to set trends."  I'm sure, if I repeated his statement verbatim, it would have more obscenities and violent undertones in it, but his basic message still rings true.