By:  Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log Number 38492

Friends, I think we both agree that it's high time I got some ass. The stench that is desperation lingers about my slightly moist body.  I can hear the faint sound of phantoms whispering, "He needs poon-tang....poooooon tannnnnng..." 

Unfortunately, when it comes to women, I feel like Dave Coulier at a salad bar.   Nothing appeals to me.  I like women that can be feminine, yet still have the urge to punch things.  

I was discussing the matter with my friend Leon in great detail, which seemed to disturb him for some reason.  He made it seem like I'm the only man that enjoys getting tackled and sodomized by a woman. 

Leon listened to my story with a look of understanding on his face (or was it mild fear?).  He then decided to set me up with his cousin, "Toots".  He said I should call her and take her away from the boredom that plagues many actresses today. 

After shaving my palms, I decided to give Toots a call.  We chatted for a bit.   We talked about the usual.  I asked her if she felt that the world would be any different if Don Knotts had been homosexual.  I asked her which was her favorite Monkee.  Basically, we really hit it off.  Her last big acting job was on The A-Team.  She played "the girl" and got pushed around by the bad guys until Mr. T showed up and started kicking ass while Hannibal smoked a cigar.  It was a really controversial episode, as I recall.

Ten minutes later, I hung up the phone and felt like a man.  So much so that I felt comfortable calling her a half hour later just to tell her that I couldn't stop thinking about her, even while watching Family Matters.  I called her three hours after that to tell her that she probably smelled good.  She laughed nervously and hung up the phone. 

I've always had a way with the ladies.