By:  Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log Number 83,282,646 x 2

Because I spend all my money on my addiction to flavored chapsticks, I am forced to take public transportation to work.  Every morning I must journey with my fellow members of the working class to dull jobs that not even Peter Scolari could handle.  Every morning we pile into a cramped sardine can, popularly known as a bus.  Every morning we sit in uncomfortable little seats and count the hairs on the arms of our neighbors out of boredom (at least I do).

I have discussed the manner in which we are treated with other passengers on the bus.   There is one who feels as strongly as I do. She is a sprightly seventy-three-year-old woman by the name of Bea Woodgate.  She has the body of an old female Andy Warhol, but the mind of a modern-day Zelda Fitzgerald.

Bea and I decided it was time to take action.  We felt it was our American duty to form a group -- a group in which people like ourselves could band together for comfortable bus seating and the freedom to blow stuff up.  That is why we have started "Associates for Spacious Seating", or A.S.S.  Bea, once a strong Jehovah's Witness, has a flair for propaganda.  Because of this, I have appointed her Commander of Propaganda.  She is the lovely Paul to my Adolf.

Last Thursday, Bea and I planned a revolt on the bus.  We each brought bags of used condoms and screamed the lyrics to "There is Power in a Union" while throwing the condoms at the bus driver and snobby-looking passengers.  I must admit that we were slightly unsuccessful.  After Leon bailed me out of jail, I concluded that our only problem was that we had so few people in our ranks.  I needed to whip Bea's propaganda campaign into shape.  Unfortunately, Bea had to sit in jail for quite some time until I gathered enough money to get her out.

I have decided to take the plight of A.S.S. to the internet.  People of Earth, we need you for the sake of spacious seating!  Join me as we fight for more comfortable seating space!  Please, send me an e-mail supporting the cause to mailmanherb@tobyvision.com, and we'll send the results to Ralph Nader.  Do your part today.