By:  Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log Number 1826

Like many of you, I have had a non-sexual crush on a celebrity.  Also, like many of you, I have written several letters to him in hopes of some sort of response.  How this could be considered "creepy" I'll never know.

It all started when I saw the film Shock Treatment.  The lovely lithe little form of a character by the name of "Rest Home Ricky" -- the way he pushes that wheel chair and takes dirty pictures of Little Nell sends shivers up my spine.   Because of this, I have decided that Ricky is my new working class hero. 

Like many of us, I decided to strip naked and write poetry to Rick after watching Shock Treatment for the 42nd time.  Over the course of two hours, I wrote approximately 36 poems about the nubile nude body of Rest Home Ricky.  Only two of the poems were perfect to send to Mr. Ricky.  Here they are:

Bratwurst
By:  Herb Mc Pherson

Killing and smashing
Tossing and turning
You...
YOU...
Keep me from killing
Keep me from smashing
YOU
Make me toss?
Make me turn?
MAKE ME...
Love?
Make me dance like...
Adam Ant?

Tiles
By:  Herb McPherson

Blackness
Darkness
Are you there?
Do you feel my pain?
Do you know the power of my throbbing manhood?

After five weeks of waiting anxiously for a reply from Ricky, I finally received a letter from his agent.  It said:

Thank you for your interest in Rick.  He appreciates your loyalty. 

Unfortunately, he has been extremely busy with his acting and would appreciate it if you would not come within thirty feet of him.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

--Todd Foreman

I wrote back and asked him if "future endeavors" meant sending Rick naughty drawings of the two of us locked in a loving embrace, but he never responded.