By:  Herb McPherson

Dear Mr. McPherson,

I honestly do not enjoy the false and negative information you post about me on your web site.  I would appreciate it if such actions would stop immediately.

Please remove the statement that I enjoy making panties out of coffee filters.  This is completely untrue.  I have never once adorned myself with coffee filters or any other paper product.

Also, I was NEVER seen holding hands with Eddie Murphy at Princess Di's wedding.  I don't know how these rumors get started.  Oh yes, I'd forgotten.   YOU start them.  Silly me.

And I also do not have a fetish for lox-related products. 

I have NEVER given away old dented cans of wax beans to charity and laughed while doing it. 

I do NOT own a t-shirt that says "BITCH" in sparkly letters.

I am not a "gothic slut."

I did not co-write "The Communist Manifesto".

I am not Ralph Nader.

I did not steal your Winnie the Pooh watch.  I just own the same one.

Please remove these statements from your website as soon as possible.

Heil Hildy,
  Mr. Joel R. Hodgson, creator, "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

Disclaimer: Joel did not write this, and his middle initial is likely not "R".  Thank you.