By:  Herb McPherson's parents & teachers

3/29/69

Dear Mr. and Mrs. McPherson,

It has come to my attention that your son has repeatedly threatened several classmates with soiled napkins and other paper products.  Although his threats seemed harmless, even amusing, at first, his avid fascination with soiled paper is rapidly becoming disturbing.  Several students have run into my office complaing of the "Dirty Scary Paper Man," which is a name your son has so cleverly created.

I thought it would be best to wait out Herb's abnormal behavior, but I was forced to take action after poor Ellen Burgess had a barrel of crimpled napkins dumped on her during Physics class.  The paper was covered in an unknown substance that smelled like a cross between mustard and plastic.

Several napkins had random phrases scribbled on them.  For instance:  "Stew ain't wait it used to be," and "I am the king of kinky.  Ha Ha.  Tickle me with that feather duster again."

I hope to meet with you and your son as soon as possible.  I will be sure to bring a straight jacket and a muzzle for the boy. 

Sincerely,
   Jack Whitney
   Principal


9/25/70

Dear Mr. and Mrs. McPherson,

Young Herb is a promising student that deserves praise, but his "antics" (as he calls them) are really getting out of hand.  On the very first day of class, your son insisted that I call him "Jerry."  After asking him why, he simply stated, "That's what your dog called me last night."   This horrid statement was followed by a greasy wink that only lust and alcoholism could create.

He has also failed to turn in several projects.  After asking him if he had any problems, "Jerry" said that I was being too needy and our relationship was going nowhere.  He then shrugged sadly and walked out of the room.  I hope Herb can learn that such actions will not be tolerated in the real world.  If we work hard, we can surely turn him around.

Signed,
    Douglas Breathed
    Head of the Theology Department


10/14/70

Dear Mrs. McPherson,

I'm so sorry your husband had that nervous breakdown.  Hopefully he will recover soon! 

Remember how I once said that we could turn young Herb around?  I was wrong.  Oh well.  Maybe you should pop out another kid and hope for the best.

Sincerely,
    Douglas Breathed
    Head of the Theology Department


11/01/70

Dear Mr. Breathed,

I really appreciate your moral support, but the family has decided that it would be in Herb's best interest if he left home and became a roadie for a band called "Licks A Plenty."

Sincerely,
   Janice McPherson

P.S. -- I'm pregnant with your child.