Welcome to Tobyvision's newest feature:  The What About Jesus? episode guide!

Yes, that's right -- we'll post summaries of each episode of this classic television series brought to you by the good folks at Tobyvision TV.  We've all got our favorite moments from this memorable show, and this feature is intended to bring back those memories -- not only for you, the fans, but also for the cast members and others involved in production.

Each guide installment will feature a plot summary, favorite lines, and reflections from Jesus Himself!  We know you're excited, but before we get the ball rolling, we thought we'd catch up with Jesus and ask Him to explain ... well, What About Jesus?   Enjoy!

Tobyvision.com: How did you come up with the idea for this show?
Jesus:  Actually, Buddha and I had wanted to work on a project together for some time.  We were lunching together one day when he looked up from his salad and said, "Jeez-Baby, I got it!   We'll do a show about holy salad dressing!"  I loved the idea, and the rest is history -- although the salad dressing part was scrapped in the early stages.

Tobyvision.com:  Who's your favorite apostle?
Jesus:  I've always been partial to Maurice.

Tobyvision.com:  Which of the Two Fat Ladies is hotter?
Jesus:  The dead one.

Tobyvision.com:  Are you a Republican or a Democrat?
Jesus:  I support the Libertarians.  I might have been a Republican, but the religious right pisses me off.

Tobyvision.com:  What's your favorite TV show (besides this one, obviously)?
Jesus:  Any script Scott Baio touches is sure to turn to gold.  Also, I was a big Joker's Wild fan.  Too bad Jack Barry went to hell.  I loved that crusty old turd.   Incidentally, the reason hell is always on fire is because Barry keeps forgetting to put out his cigarettes.

Tobyvision.com:  Define the word "puff."
Jesus:  Richard Simmons.

Tobyvision.com:  Have you ever licked a door?
Jesus:  Yes, but that was during the 60s.  I was living a wild life, traveling with the Grateful Dead and whatnot.

Tobyvision.com:  Are we really supposed to believe you healed that leper guy?
Jesus:  I did indeed heal that leper, but unfortunately my healing caused nasty, unanticipated side effects, and he died of nose cancer shortly afterwards.  I've since been sued for malpractice.   That's why miracles involve so much paperwork these days.  If you'd like more information, you'll need to speak to my lawyers.

Tobyvision.com:  If you know so much, tell me who's going to win the World Series.
Jesus:  Just the other day, my agent leaned over to me over a steaming pot of fondue and whispered, "Stay golden, Ponyboy."  I had no idea what it meant at the time, and I still have no idea.

Tobyvision.com:  What is your middle name?
Jesus:  "Dakota Mist", actually.  My dad's a big hippie.

Tobyvision.com:  So instead of exclaiming "Jesus H. Christ!" people should amend that to "Jesus D.M. Christ!"?
Jesus:  Yeppers.

Tobyvision.com:  Is there truth behind the rumor that you have a weave?
Jesus:  Yes.  One cannot always be naturally beautiful, you know.

Tobyvision.com:  Can you turn this water into wine?  I've got a party to go to and I need to bring something.
Jesus:  No, but I can stick a holy foot up your ass.  I was laughed out of the Diety's Club in high school after I granted Spiderman's wishes to have spider-like powers, so I'm done using my magic on trivial crap.

Tobyvision.com:  How many doubters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Jesus:  Three.  One to screw it in and two to be Polish.  Hahahahaha!  Okay, fine, don't laugh.   I killed at The Apollo last week, you know.  Up yours.

Tobyvision.com:  Have you ever given birth to a chicken?
Jesus:  It was a turkey.   People often make that mistake.

Tobyvision.com:  What's with the sandals?
Jesus:  They have a slimming effect on me.  But I stopped wearing them after I heard about some kid shooting another kid for his pair of Nike sandals.  You hate to hear about stuff like that.  Kids, stop the violence out there!  Increase the peace!

Tobyvision.com:  Should they stay in school, also?
Jesus:  Oh yeah, and stay in school!  Sure.

Tobyvision.com:  Remember that time you got on Press Your Luck and found a loophole in the board patterns and won $100,000?
Jesus:  No, thou art mistaken -- but I'm glad somebody blew the lid off that horrible excuse for a show.   I can't believe I got nailed to a cross so you inbreds could create Press Your Luck.  Oh hey, no problem, it didn't hurt!  I'm not agonizingly dying so you guys can spend hours upon hours laughing at whammies.  Nope, I'm good.   You just go on.  No prob.

Tobyvision.com:  What chu talkin' 'bout, Jesus?
Jesus:  Hahaha!   Now that was a show!  Gary Coleman is the Eighth Wonder of the World, you know.  Do you think it was easy making those squeezable cheeks?

Tobyvision.com:  What's John the Baptist really like?
Jesus:  He's a great guy.  In fact, he and I should be working on a project for Dreamworks this summer.

Tobyvision.com:  What do you think of the name "Britney"?
Jesus:  It gets my robe in a twist.

Tobyvision.com:  Do you think you could be a good NBA point guard?
Jesus:  I haven't fathered enough illegitimate children to be considered for the NBA.  However, I know I could take Kobe one-on-one.

Tobyvision.com:  Which is your favorite Skittle?
Jesus:  The bread and wine flavored ones.

Tobyvision.com:  Will the Orioles ever get any pitching?
Jesus:  No, but I thank Dad everyday that I don't have a uterus.

Tobyvision.com:  Whatever happened to Rosie Perez?
Jesus:  She went back to heaven to continue being my mother.

Tobyvision.com:  Vermont Senator Jim Jeffords:  heaven-bound, or doomed to the pits of hell?
Jesus:  I'm not sure what this "Vermont" thing is, but it really steams by beans that everyone forgets about purgatory these days.  Jeez, I go to all this trouble building a section of the afterlife for you, and this is the thanks I get!  Do you know what the construction costs were for purgatory?  Do you know how many hours I put into purgatory?  No, of course you don't.  You're all still giggling over your whammies!  Jesus D.M. Christ!

Tobyvision.com:  Is it true that you wrote Ishtar?
Jesus:  Ishtar was a collaborative effort by Satan and myself, but all the funny stuff I wrote got edited out.   Since when is a flying Rowan Atkinson not welcome in a film?  Typical of the Sate man.

Tobyvision.com:  What's with the starving artist look?
Jesus:  The chicks dig it.

Tobyvision.com:  Why did you make all the tasty things fattening, and all the crap that tastes like cardboard good for you?  Who was the heavenly CEO behind that genius decision?  Screw you!
Jesus:  The taste of paper has a bad reputation.  I used to eat it all the time when I was little, and look how I turned out!  Sure, I was nailed to the cross for the sins of others, but we all had a good laugh in the end.

Stay tuned to Tobyvision for the first What About Jesus? installment, coming soon!