EPISODE #101:  THE COOKIE SHOP

SEGMENT ONE
There's a new hot shot in town!  Jesus D.M. Christ has just moved into a studio apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan.  Armed with little cash, Jesus looks to live out his big dream.  He wishes to open his own cookie shop.   Sure, it's not the most dependable job in the world, but he can't live off multiplied loaves and fishes forever!  Thanks to his loving and merciful father, Jesus finds the perfect place to set up a small business just off 32nd Street.  With a little love, paint, and underpaid Mexican labor, Jesus turns his barren new store into a cozy little cookie den.  Fishie's is, at long last, open for business.   Jesus kicks back and waits for the money to roll in.

SEGMENT TWO
Oh no!  The health inspector is coming to check the place out!  As Jesus scurries around in an attempt to make everything perfect, TV's Betty White (played by Rowan Atkinson) makes an appearance to help our poor Lamb of God!  Just as Jesus thinks everything will go smoothly, he is hit by another painful blow.  It turns out, in a wacky twistful turn of events, that Satan himself is the health inspector!

What's a prophet to do???  Satan (played by Chevy Chase) comes swaggering into the cookie store, clipboard in hand.  While Jesus nervously shows him around the shop, the Prince of Darkness scribbles away.  Jesus and Betty bite their nails nervously as Satan evaluates the shop.  "Are you wearing a hairnet while baking, Mr. Christ?" cries Satan.  "Oh yes, sir!  Betty and I runs the cleanest shop this side of the Mississippi!", says our young bearded hero.  "Pipe down, bread boy," retorts Satan.  Trying to help his cause, Jesus offers Lucifer a plate of fresh-baked cookies.  Unfortunately, the cookies are a bit too fresh, causing Satan to burn his hand on the cookies!  Ouch!  Satan runs off in anger, leaving a sobbing Jesus behind. 

SEGMENT THREE
Jesus feels like a total failure, and collapses into Betty's arms weeping pathetically.   He feels completely embarrassed, because such a thing would never happen to a luminary such as Ms. White!  "Oh, what fucking bullshit," Jesus' newfound friend says cheerily.  Apparently, Betty has had problems of her own!   "Why, on my first day at the animal shelter, I dropped four puppies," cries she.  Upon hearing that his idol has had problems of her own, Jesus feels recharged and ready to take on the world.  He proudly marches home, puts on some Diana Ross, and dances to his heart's content.

And best of all, Jesus later finds out that due to a mixup in Satan's paperwork, the Dark One's scathing review of Jesus' shop got mixed up with his glowing review of Jumpin' Judas' Anal Lube & Peanut Butter Hut.  So Jesus' shop survives, while Jumpin' Judas will have to find another town in which to peddle his anal lube.   Everyone loves a happy ending!

GOLDEN QUOTE
"Sometimes those goddamn puppies get on my fucking nerves."  --Betty White

REFLECTIONS ON EPISODE #101
Oh, boy.  This one was a stressful episode to shoot because it was our first one.   Sure, I'd worked in television before,  but this is the first show where I got to be me.  Also, there was some weird sexual tension between Rowan and Chevy that was quite evident in the final outcome of the show.  Perhaps they were just acting, but it sure as hell made for some great television.  They fought a bit between takes, but we all partied together after filming. 

One of the interns baked the cookies that burned Satan's hand.  If you look closely, you can see they're in the shape of Alan Alda.  We had lots of fun biting old Alan's head off after filming.

Rowan and I are still close friends.  He said he'll never forgive my dad for creating Just the Ten of Us, but he has no beef with me!
--Jesus D.M. Christ

EPISODE CREDITS
PRODUCED BY: Tobyvision, Inc.
DIRECTED BY: Kitty Van Buren
WRITTEN BY: Toby the Fork (head writer), Jesus D.M. Christ, Erin K. Gleeson, Captain Honeydukes, Jose The Magic Tampon, Norm Mankelstein, Steve Ruiz
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:  Herb McPherson, Kitty Van Buren
STARRING: Jesus D.M. Christ as Himself ... Rowan Atkinson as TV's Betty White ... Carly Simon as The Blessed Mother ... Chevy Chase as Satan

Read about Episode #102, Double Your Lepers
Read about Episode #103, To Tell the Tooth

For our What About Jesus? pre-launch interview with the Messiah Himself, click here!