EPISODE #102:  DOUBLE YOUR LEPERS

SEGMENT ONE
There's trouble a'brewin!  Jesus' old frat buddy, the wacky Doubting R. Thomas III, uncovered a leper (Dave) for Jesus to heal.   That's great, you say?  Well, the problem is that Jesus already had an appointment to heal another leper (Kirk) for the same night, at the same time!  The show opens with Jesus in his cookie store talking to his mother on the phone.  The Virgin Mary is obviously lecturing Jesus about eating his vegetables, when Doubting Thomas rushes in to announce the news about Dave the Leper.

Jesus abruptly hangs up on his mom and becomes visibly upset.  He takes his own name in vain, angrily explaining the situation to Doubting Thomas.  Doubting simply shrugs and says, "It's okay, Jeezie baby! We'll find a way out of this.  Hey, I know -- I'll dress up as you and heal Dave myself!  That way, you can still go heal Kirk the Leper!"  Jesus gives a consternated look to the camera and segment one ends.

SEGMENT TWO
Jesus arrives at Kirk the Leper's house, and is greeted by Kirk's teenage daughter.   "Dad is such a doofus," says she, sighing.  "Anyway, he's in the living room."

Jesus proceeds to the living room and finds Kirk relaxing on his couch, legs on the coffee table and eating popcorn while watching the Cubs game.  "Oh, hey there, Jesus.   Glad you're here -- my nose just fell into my popcorn.  I can't take much more of this."  Jesus raises his hands and, inexplicably, recites a John Donne poem which somehow makes everything all better.

Meanwhile, at Dave the Leper's house, Doubting Thomas has just arrived with a blatantly fake-looking Jesus beard.  He is also wearing a bed sheet for a robe, and has hastily cut up his Reeboks to look like sandals.  "Oh uh, hey there!" Thomas says.   "Good to see you.  I'm Doubting Tho--I mean, Jesus."  [raucous laughter from laugh track]  Anyway, where's this dude whose face is falling off?"  When directed to a desperate Dave, he starts the healing process by saying "Uh, hey, you dudes have any beer before we start the healing?"

The disaster continues, with Thomas asking to use Dave the Leper's phone to call his bookie and make sure he's got the Steelers minus the points.  "Okay, let's get this freak healed," he shouts after guzzling his seventh beer.  Dave's wife -- Shelley   -- is shocked and angrily stalks out of the room.  She calls Leper Healing, Inc., demanding an explanation and her money back.

SEGMENT THREE
Jesus, who healed Kirk very quickly, is ready to leave.  "Praise be to God!!" shouts Kirk, to which Jesus responds, "Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Enjoy your new ears, bye!" and rushes out.  Jesus goes into a full sprint across town to get to Dave the Leper's house, as he is sure Doubting Thomas has screwed that up big time.

Unfortunately for Jesus, he is stopped mid-sprint by a street preacher, who attempts to shove religious pamphlets in his face.  "Do you know Jesus?" says the preacher, just before the Prince of Peace shoves him to the ground and continues his sprint towards his destination.  The camera pans to the frustrated, fallen preacher, who rips off his mask to reveal that he is, in fact ... SATAN.   Foiled again, Dark One!  Heh heh!

Jesus finally reaches Dave the Leper's residence just as Thomas is being pelted with debris and forced violently from the house.  But, thankfully, he is able to calm the angry wife Shelley and explain the situation.  Jesus heals Dave and they all have a good laugh in the end.

GOLDEN QUOTE
"If I'd known being a savior was this hard, I'd have just gone to work for my dad's carpentry empire!"
--Jesus

REFLECTIONS ON EPISODE #102
One funny thing about this episode was that in the candy store at the beginning of the show, you can see two exposed porn mags behind my left shoulder.  The censors must've been snoozing!

This was a fun episode to shoot, because we had a lot of fun with the makeup tricks involved in portraying two lepers.  I even brought my own gag nose that I caught at Mardi Gras '93 and we used it on Kirk the Leper.  Actually we heard that James Dean (who played Kirk) got sick after filming because of the special paste we used on his forehead.  Yuck!

The John Donne poem we used to cure Kirk was A Valediction, Forbidding Mourning, which is Captain Honeydukes' favorite poem.
--Jesus D.M. Christ

EPISODE CREDITS
PRODUCED BY:  Tobyvision, Inc.
DIRECTED BY:  Jose The Magic Tampon
WRITTEN BY: Toby the Fork (head writer), Jesus D.M. Christ, Erin K. Gleeson, Captain Honeydukes, Jose The Magic Tampon, Norm Mankelstein, Steve Ruiz
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:  Herb McPherson, Kitty Van Buren
STARRING:  Jesus D.M. Christ as Himself ... Bea Arthur as Doubting R. Thomas III ... James Dean as Kirk the Leper ... President Chester A. Arthur as Dave the Leper ... Kitty Van Buren as Shelley

Read about Episode #101, The Cookie Shop
Read about Episode #103, To Tell the Tooth

For our What About Jesus? pre-launch interview with the Messiah Himself, click here!