EPISODE #103:  TO TELL THE TOOTH

SEGMENT ONE
Oh no!  Television's favorite Son of Man has come down with a nasty toothache!   Forced to stumble around the house with an ice pack to his cheek, hilarity is destined to follow.  Poor Jesus trips down the stairs, drops his laundry and steps on a hobo due to his toothical pain!  Smelling an opportunity for zaniness, Doubting R. Thomas III steps in to help his pal.  Armed with some string, a doorknob, and a wry smile, Thomas decides to stop Jesus' suffering once and for all.

The Lamb of God whimpers sadly as Thomas ties the ailing tooth to the nearest doorknob.   Unfortunately, the doorknob must be attached to a door for such a plan to work.   Thomas, determined to get that tooth out, simply shugs and throws the doorknob as hard as he can out the window of Jesus' fifth-floor apartment.  Jesus, still attached to the doorknob, goes flying out after it.  "Oops!", cries Doubting R. Thomas III, as he grins stupidly and shrugs at the camera.

SEGMENT TWO
A mildly bruised Jesus stumbles back into his apartment and announces that he must go to the dentist ASAP.  Thomas pulls a business card out of his bathrobe and passes it to J.C.  "Hmmm...'Satan P. Buchanan ... Dentist for Hire' ", reads Jesus.

Jesus arrives at the dentist in more pain than ever.  He pain gets much worse when he sees his mother working at the front desk!  "What?!  I needed the money!", cries a wisecracking Blessed Mother, to the delight of the laugh track.   Even Jesus has to chuckle.

As 1/3 of the Trinity is led into the examining room by several demons in scrubs, Satan P. Buchanan sharpens his tools.  Jesus nervously takes a seat in a leather studded chair.  Satan P. picks up a large pair of pliers, then shakes his head and chooses an even larger pair.  "Are you sure you know what you're doing??", cries a frightened Jesus Dakota Mist Christ.  "Are you kidding?   I INVENTED dentistry!", says a cheerful Dr. Satan as he gets to work.

SEGMENT THREE
Doubting R. Thomas III sits in the waiting room while Jesus goes through torture.   After what seems like an eternity, Thomas jumps up excitedly as Jesus emerges with a grim expression on his bearded face.  "How'd it go, Lambsie?", says Thomas.  A look of shock passes over his face as Jesus gives a wide toothless grin.   Suddenly, Jesus breaks down sobbing.  "I'm UGLY!", sobs Jesus as he runs out of the dentist's office, slamming the door behind him.  Thomas looks concerned.

Jesus returns to his apartment building, haggard and tear-stained.  His eyes are red and puffy.  As he opens the door to his small yet cozy studio apartment, Thomas and pals jump out and scream "SURPRISE!".  Jesus looks shocked and covers his mouth.  J.C. is surrounded by the people he loves, and is even treated to a comedy routine performed by Mother Theresa.  "Imagine losing your teeth ... in Calcutta!" quipped Mother Theresa, to more raucous approval from the laugh track.

Jesus, knowing that he is loved by many, finally feels secure about his appearance.   Everyone has a good laugh when Jesus multiplies the loaves and fishes, tries to take a bite, then slaps his forehead upon seeing the error of his ways.

GOLDEN QUOTE
"I just flew in from Purgatory, and boy are my arms tired!"
--Mother Teresa

REFLECTIONS ON EPISODE #103
I did a lot of research for the role.  I tried to choose tools that looked streamlined, yet caused as much pain as humanly possible.  It was interesting working with the Son of God.  We traded acting tips, and listened to "Bread" together in my trailer between takes.  I must admit it was weird pulling his teeth.   His breath smells like pepperoni.
--Satan P. Buchanan

EPISODE CREDITS
PRODUCED BY:  Tobyvision, Inc.
DIRECTED BY:  John Ritter
WRITTEN BY: Toby the Fork (head writer), Jesus D.M. Christ, Erin K. Gleeson, Captain Honeydukes, Jose The Magic Tampon, Norm Mankelstein, Steve Ruiz
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS:  Herb McPherson, Kitty Van Buren
STARRING:  Jesus D.M. Christ as Himself ... Bea Arthur as Doubting R. Thomas III ... Carly Simon as the Blessed Mother ... Satan P. Buchanan as himself

For our What About Jesus? pre-launch interview with the Messiah Himself, click here!