EPISODE #106:  THE SHARPER IMAGE

SEGMENT ONE
Jesus D.M. Christ is in his New York City apartment late one Friday evening.  Having arrived home from his cookie shop, he is preparing for the weekend Parables class he teaches.

The Messiah (in his reading glasses) begins grading last week's pop quiz when he notices that the apostle Matthew is not performing up to his capabilities.   Matthew, always a very bright apostle, failed his second quiz in a row.   Jesus, frustrated at not being able to get the most out of all his students, resolves to have a talk with Matthew the next day after class.

SEGMENT TWO
As the class begins, Jesus starts passing out the graded quizzes to all his eager apostles.  Peter, as it happens, scored the highest on the quiz, and Jesus gives him chocolate candy in the shape of an upside-down cross as a reward.   Unfortunately, the time comes when he has to return Matthew's quiz, and Jesus quietly asks to see him after class about his floundering grades.

However, Jesus notices an oddity as he scribbles notes about the Prodigal Son on the chalkboard.  Could it be?  It appears as though Matthew is squinting to see the board!

When the class ends, Jesus pulls Matthew aside, saying, "Matty boy, I noticed your grades have been sinking faster than the Titanic at rush hour!" (laugh track)

"And I think I finally know the reason why," he continues.  "I think maybe you can't see the board very well.  It's just possible you might need glasses."

Matthew, predictably, resists.  "But all the other apostles will make fun of me," he whines.  "I'll look like a big dork!"

"Oh Matt, don't be silly," Jesus retorts.  "You know, I have reading glasses, and nobody makes fun of me.  In fact, I'm the savior of mankind!"   Jesus proceeds to inform Matthew's mom about the problem, and Matthew is whisked away to the eye doctor that very week.  He weeps as the doctor fits him for glasses, sure that his future would now consist mainly of wedgies and masturbation.

SEGMENT THREE
As the apostles file into class the next weekend, Jesus notices that Matthew is sneaking into the room timidly, embarrassed about his new glasses.  Nobody comments until stupid Judas shouts out, "Hey, look at four eyes over there!   Hey nerd!"  Jesus becomes enraged and makes Judas stand in the corner.

Meanwhile, Christ and the other apostles have cooked up a little surprise for Matthew.   They all pitched in to make a cake for him which playfully has "20/20" written in icing.  Everybody gets themselves a slice, and Matthew learns an important lesson about friendship.

"Hey Jesus, I just thought of something," Matthew says with a mischievous grin.   "How come you couldn't have just healed my eyesight?"  Everyone has a hearty laugh and the show ends!

GOLDEN QUOTE
"I hate 20/20.  Barbara Walters is a cunt."
--Judas Iscariot

REFLECTIONS ON EPISODE #106
"It was an honor to work on this show.  After Jerry Seinfeld, Jesus is the funniest Jew west of the Jordan River."
--Jason Alexander (Matthew the apostle)

"If you look closely at our classroom set, you'll see a tack on the teacher's chair.   Luckily, the script didn't call for me to sit down; unfortunately, I accidentally did sit there between takes.  Sweet Christ did that ever hurt.  Lemme tell ya, I am SO nail-intolerant."
--Jesus D.M. Christ

EPISODE CREDITS
PRODUCED BY:  Tobyvision, Inc.
DIRECTED BY:  Coily the Sprite
WRITTEN BY: Toby the Fork (head writer), Jesus D.M. Christ, Erin K. Gleeson, Captain Honeydukes, Jose The Magic Tampon, Norm Mankelstein, Steve Ruiz
CONTRIBUTING WRITER:  Arnold Jackson
STARRING:  Jesus D.M. Christ as Himself ... Jason Alexander as Matthew ... Stevie Wonder as Judas ... Jim J. Bullock as the optometrist

For our What About Jesus? pre-launch interview with the Messiah Himself, click here!