Mailman Herb's Diary

By: Herb McPherson

Mailman's Log #666

herb.JPG (72988 bytes) It has been three long months since I, Herb Eloise McPherson, departed this world. I was a righteous man, a kind-hearted mailman that knew the subtle difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, my life was cut short in a very undignified way.

I can remember that day so clearly. I was but a sapling, still green in my youth. True, I have been known to partake in an activity many call "stealing," but all I really did was take excessive amounts of free samples from supermarkets. One day, while choosing some of my favorite samples, I came across an angry fellow promoting products manufactured by the Planters Nuts company. The man, dressed as Mr. Peanut, insisted that I return the samples I had taken. Comrades, I'm sure we all know that I only took free samples. They were there for the taking. Who cared if I took one, two, or 26 packets of peanuts?

I'm sure everyone that reads this column will remember the tragedy that happened next. Mr. Peanut was much stronger (and angrier) than I expected. He forcefully took the packets of peanuts from my sweaty hands. Furiously, I challenged him to a fight to the death. But he stood up to my challenge, and, well... he killed me.

Since then, I have quietly seethed about this outrageous injustice. Disgruntlement began to well up inside my damned, lost soul. Then, as Halloween neared, a chance for redemption reared its glorious head.

Somehow, some unknown force had brought me back from the grave to seek my revenge. Upon returning to the Earth in my dapper ghostly form, I plotted and planned for hours. I was going to make Mr. Peanut pay for his dastardly deeds, once and for all. I ultimately decided to hunt him down with my lion-esque skills, throw a rock at his head, and run away laughing. This time, I would be victorious.

This night, Halloween night, I waited on a darkened street corner for my prey. While waiting, I idly gulped down some peanuts I found in the pocket of my tattered pants.

But then, finally, my nemesis appeared. Smiling goofily with his godforsaken top hat tilted jauntily to the side, he sauntered toward me. The light reflecting off his monocle burned into my soul. With a shrill war cry, I lunged.

Suddenly, the man behind the peanut spoke calmly to me. "Hey man," said he. "Chill out. I'm just former Bosom Buddies star Peter Scolari in a Mr. Peanut suit."

I stopped my lunging and realized the error of my ways. I was attacking an innocent trick-or-treater, not to mention someone who brought us so much joy for so many years as the delightful Hildy! I put down my rock and apologized to Mr. Scolari.

Deciding to bury the hatchet and move on with my death, I ate some more peanuts and headed back to the third layer of hell where I belonged.