CAREER:  A career minor leaguer, Jim Ayoub has only had a few cups of coffee (decaf mostly) in the major leagues.  He was received in a trade of minor leaguers, and was brought up in 2011 as a stopgap solution in the infield after Dan Merrill's injury.

PERSONAL:  Jim's lifelong dream was to play in Triple-A ... Is occasionally inconvenienced by call-up to big leagues ... Modelled home after Buffalo's Bison Stadium ... Dreamed of playing for Albuquerque Dukes ... Has International League game program collection.

CAREER:  All glove and very little bat, though he does have some pop.  Still, if you need a hit in a key situation you might be better off sending William Bendix to the dish.

PERSONAL:  Occasionally gropes women without their consent ... From Jamaica originally ... Owns a blow-up doll ... Has a picture of Tab Hunter in his locker ... best friends with team slut Kyle "Fucker" Fleeting.

CAREER:  Dode Behrend was a career Cubs farmhand until getting the call last season, spending a few days in the majors.   Nobody was ever quite sure why he was in the big leagues.

PERSONAL:  Dode often dreams of dating a Welsh princess.

CAREER:  Heath Bergland hit .258 with 24 homers at Class AAA Iowa in 2009. Bergland has thus far done an exemplary job behind the plate and may be the club's regular starter by year's end.

PERSONAL:  Heath likes to talk behind his teammates' backs, and denigrates others in order to feel better about himself and avoid facing his own personal demons.   He also enjoys kayaking.

CAREER:  Greg Bing has been around the big leagues nearly as long as electric hamburgers have been in existence. When Bing broke into the majors in 1997, people still considered Bob Saget a celebrity. He has been a steady catcher for the Cubs, but is slowing down significantly.  His loss of bat speed and general durability is obvious to all but himself and TV's Dave Coulier.

PERSONAL:  Bing is currently working on his seventh marriage (to Tobyvision columnist Kitty Van Buren).   And yes, he is 1/16 Asian.

CAREER:  Chet Blount has been one of the steadiest Cub pitchers of the last decade. He enjoyed four consecutive winning seasons from 2006 to 2009 and has been a model of consistency. Despite this, he is an awful hitter with a shameful sub-.200 lifetime average. He should be released immediately.

PERSONAL:  Chet likes to sit around watching "She's the Sheriff" reruns while eating Cheetos with one hand and his other hand in his pants.  He has killed over10 autograph seekers with his bare hands.

CAREER: Alonzo Cavins was the 2004 National League Rookie of the Year despite knocking in just 24 runs. Cavins was extremely lucky that there were no decent rookies that year. Since then he has struggled with inconsistency but has tremendous natural ability, which he wastes about half the time.   Cavins recently destroyed his knee.

PERSONAL: A born-again Christian, Cavins irritates nearly everyone.  He believes his devastating knee injury was part of God's larger plan, which apparently includes getting Bo King and Gus Wilkinson more at-bats as the Cubs' left fielders.

CAREER:  Enjoyed a fine debut in 2007 as a 29-year-old rookie pitcher, going 14-9 with a 3.12 ERA.  Missed a game in 2008 because he insisted a tornado would hit the pitchers' mound in the bottom of the 6th in St. Louis.  It didn't.

PERSONAL:  Is a distant cousin of children's TV star Paul Reubens ... In 1986, took three days and part of a fourth off of school to solve a rubix cube ... Likes frilly things.

CAREER:  Deters had a cup of coffee with the Cubs in 2009, hitting .250 in eight at-bats.  Chris plays every position on the field, though to be fair he doesn't play any position particularly well ... Chris is blowing the assistant GM, which is why the Cubs have made him their top utilityman for 2011 despite his near-complete lack of experience.

PERSONAL:  During his college days at UC-Northridge, interned on the set of "Full House" ... was fired after suggesting that Michelle get breast implants ... Known as "The Mad Dishwasher" while in the minors.

CAREER:  Kyle Fleeting is the Cubs' superstar cleanup hitter. He also leads the team in sex, illegitimate children, paternity suits, profanity, and alcohol consumption.

PERSONAL:  Nickname is "Fucker"... Has 27 children by 26 different women ... Thinks a "condom" is a little bag of ketchup or mustard ... Currently harbors over 1,000 sexually transmitted diseases ... Enjoys reading.

CAREER:  The Cubs acquired Kite Fretwell as a throw-in in a minor trade two years ago, and Kite battled his way onto the major league roster in 2011 ... Fretwell, an eccentric lefty, uses his fervent belief that he is Napoleon to help him get left-handed batters out.

PERSONAL:  Kite owns three myna birds, two guinea pigs, five anteaters, and a headless chicken ... Fretwell often attends meetings of the Jehovah's Witnesses, playing along briefly before clucking loudly and belching ... Kite wants to build a time machine when he retires -- or is unceremoniously cut.

CAREER:  Futrell is the Cubs' steadiest regular and an all-around contributor. A frequent All-Star, Futrell is tall, good looking, and white, and is therefore Chicago's heartthrob.

PERSONAL:  Rod regularly speaks to troubled youths at area schools about the dangers of drug abuse.  Nearly drug free himself, Futrell sometimes even follows his own advice!

CAREER:  Jeff Garofalo was acquired, along with outfielder Brady Bahr, from the Dodgers in a 2009 trade. Garofalo responded by winning 16 games in his first Cub season, and has somehow made stupid Cubs GM Landon F. Willkie look like a genius for one brief moment.

PERSONAL: Jeff lives in Salmon, Idaho in the offseason with his wife and three children. He enjoys fishing and brutally murdering wildlife. Garofalo keeps a mistress in Cincinnati, Ohio. He is not related to Janeane.

CAREER:  Nearly hung self after16.88 ERA in 2009.   Briefly considered converting to Latvian Orthodoxy to solve pitching woes.  May be sent to minors again really soon, the poor idiot.

PERSONAL:  Not Hispanic, parents were just being cutesy bastards ... Lives in constant fear of being demoted to minors ... Hates buses ... Hates John Madden, also ... Hates wife ... Addicted to cheez-whiz.

CAREER:  With the Cubs floundering, management decided to call up wild young Jay Haifley from the minor leagues.  Drafted high by the Cubs coming out of high school, Haifley has largely failed so far, repeatedly overthrowing because he cannot keep his testosterone under control.

PERSONAL:  Haifley knocked up two chicks in high school ... Nickname "Serial Killer" ... Jay once struck out seven batters in one inning as a junior in high school ... Screams Unabomber's manifesto at top of lungs when entering games on the run in from the bullpen.

CAREER: Akira Harrison was a minor-league throw-in in a 2007 trade, but has blossomed in the Cubs' bullpen since becoming a full-time major-leaguer in 2009. Harrison throws up to 95 mph and sports five different pitches. Whoever gave him up was a retard.

PERSONAL: Harrison is a magician in his spare time, and has made audiences disappear worldwide.  A black man, Akira often struggles to successfully hail a cab.

CAREER:  Fritz Hernandez is a speedy former #1 draft pick of the Cubs. He saw his most action to date in 2008 while Dan Merrill was sidelined with a knee injury.

PERSONAL:  Fritz's real name is "Hernando".  He loathes his parents.

CAREER:  The Cubs acquired Dave from the Philadelphia Phillies for Ross Ralat.  The veteran righty reliever got bombed often in his younger days but has matured into a dependable arm out of the pen.  In his minor league days, Jordan once ripped all his nose hairs out in the bullpen during a game.

PERSONAL:  As a child, Dave got a D on a Math test and forgot to have his parents sign it.  The transgression went on his permanent record ... Jordan is often shredded by his teammates for having a domineering wife.

CAREER:  King, a rookie, is the top hitting prospect in the Cubs organization ... Batted .341 in Triple-A last season before getting three late season at-bats in Chicago, without a hit.  King is expected to share time in the Cubs' crowded outfield this year.

PERSONAL:  Bo's high school girlfriend was named LaQueshiatondasha ... Considers his College World Series trip with the University of Oklahoma to be one of his greatest memories, making him the first African-American to enjoy anything about the state of Nebraska.

CAREER:  Acquired in a 2009 trade for Stan Duble, Levar was formerly a closer with the New York Yankees. He saved 22 games while a Cub in 2009 and continues to close the door with regularity.

PERSONAL:  Gino was an extra in the 2002 film "Honey, I Cheated on Our Taxes".  He resides in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, with his wife and 46 snakes.

CAREER:  Derwin Levitt was acquired in 2007 in a trade involving minor-leaguers, and became an adequate option out of the bullpen for the Cubs in 2009 before being unceremoniously sent back to Iowa in 2010, proving that ballplayers are nothing more than pieces of meat to profit-hungry management.  Levitt pitched in the 2001 College World Series for the University of South Alabama, giving up the only broken-aluminum-bat home run in history. It traveled 17,821 feet before finally landing in rural North Dakota.

PERSONAL:  Derwin is a spokesman for Chicago's "Donate a Liver, See a Cubs Game Free" foundation. He is currently trying to have his first name changed to "Butch".

CAREER:  Keith Mark can flat-out hit.  He nearly always makes contact, sprays the ball all over the field, hits for average, walks, and is an all-around pest.  He does not go deep very often.   However, his 9th inning grand slam beat the Giants in a key September matchup in 2009.  Even people outside the Mark family will remember that one for awhile.

PERSONAL:  Middle name is Anthony, giving him a total of three first names.   Homered off his mother in his backyard in 1991, didn't go yard again until his sophomore year at Southwest Missouri State.

CAREER:  The 2005 Rookie of the Year, Dan Merrill has been a powerful contributor to the Cubs' lineup, enjoying his best year to date in 2009. A late 2007 injury kept him out of that season's World Series and most of the following season.

PERSONAL:  Dan is an extremely whiny individual. He can complain about almost anything! Merrill refused to attend his mother's funeral after her untimely death interrupted his viewing of "Whose Line is it Anyway?".  Merrill lives in Fargo, ND in the offseason with his 19 cats.

CAREER:  Greg Murdock rose through the Cubs' minor league system rather quickly, and did a good job as a rookie starting pitcher in 2010 before being relegated to the pen once the staff got healthy.  Stay tuned -- he may start whining soon about not starting.

PERSONAL:  Murdock's violent temper may cause some bad PR for the Cubs if he sticks around ... Aspires to be good enough pitcher to where he can beat his girlfriends and get away with it.

CAREER:  After four years of roughly .500 ball, Jeff Pinney's career took off in 2006 until his 2009 season was abruptly cut short when he injured himself getting his spike caught in a used condom buried just beneath the pitchers mound in Ebbets Field.  Man, that Brooklyn!

PERSONAL:  A big star, Jeff expects to be treated like a god everywhere he goes. He got away with petty theft in 2006 and recently had sex with seven different women on the same day.

CAREER:  Solid pitcher, basically always been considered the #2 guy in the Chicago rotation.  Simon is said to be only slightly bitter about this.  Given his best years to the Cubs, although at some point in the future he will likely be dropped like a hot potato once he outlives his usefulness.  May well spend his final days pitching out of the pen in Des Moines.  Really makes you wonder what the point of life is, doesn't it?

PERSONAL:  Sold soul to devil in 2004, became good pitcher ... Memorized every episode of former ABC drama "Simon & Simon" ... Team's most vocal opponent to women ("bitches") in the locker room.

CAREER: Stillabower finally became a regular in 2009, succeeding the legendary Rick Weekley as the Cubs' everyday first baseman. Originally a third sacker, Stillabower switched positions after realizing he had no chance in hell to knock Kyle "Fucker" Fleeting out of his lock on the third base job.

PERSONAL: Craig is deathly afraid of roaches.

CAREER:  Solid prospect in Cubs' farm system wasted away on major league bench for a year before being shipped back to AAA.  Has "traded for pitching prospect and cash" written all over his young, fresh, supple body.

PERSONAL:  The only gay member of the Cubs, Phil may never come out of the closet -- at least as long as annoying preacher/outfielder Alonzo Cavins is around and moralizing ... Was nailed in the ass as recently as last Tuesday ... Enjoys biking.

CAREER:  Eric Tolhurst was GM Landon F. Willkie's first ever draft pick.  His speed is an asset in the outfield and on the basepaths.  Eric is getting some time in left field, but he still can't wait for starting centerfielder Rod Futrell to break his leg or die or something so he can finally permanently break into the starting lineup and get more trim.

PERSONAL:  Eric has crabs and doesn't know it yet.

CAREER:  Guy Wilkinson's brief but spectacular minor league career brought him to the bigs at the bright young age of 22, before his recent demotion back to AAA Iowa.  Now that Wilkinson has seen a major league curveball, he is expected to quickly lose confidence in himself, the organization, and, for some reason, the Nasdaq.

PERSONAL:  Guy enjoys wrestling.  This alone doesn't make him retarded, but it helps greatly ...  Became quickly infamous in the Cubs' clubhouse for being the only guy ever to fail handwriting in grammar school ...  Once spelled his name wrong on a standardized test.