Current News
October 4, 2011

CUBS BURIED IN BEANBALL WAR
World Series Games 1 And 2 Go To Indians

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- In a World Series marred by a beanball war, the Cleveland Indians blew out the Chicago Cubs by an 8-2 score in Game 1 of the 2011 World Series, inexplicably played at Shibe Park in Philadelphia.

With the score tied 1-1 in the bottom of the fifth inning, Indians rightfielder Kevin Ramos jacked a Jeff Pinney slider over the fence to give Cleveland a 2-1 advantage.  In a move typical of this asshole-filled Chicago squad, Pinney plunked the next batter, Bruce Fisk, in "retaliation" for Ramos doing his job properly.  The next Indian batter, leftfielder Julio Bruess, promptly tagged another Pinney offering over the wall to hand his club a 4-1 lead which they would never relinquish.

With the outcome all but decided, the rest of the game turned into one big dick-swinging contest.  First, Indians pitcher Leo Puzio drilled Alonzo Cavins in the back.  For his trouble, Puzio was promptly asked to leave the game by home plate arbiter Tim Spengler.

Then, in the bottom of the seventh, Cubs reliever Dave Jordan decided to clobber Carl McKinney with a pitched ball after Cleveland's Cecil Smith smashed a three-run homer to put the Indians ahead 8-1.  Jordan was immediately tossed out by Spengler, who tore a rotator cuff from signalling all these ejections.

Game 2 saw a different problem for the Cubbies -- poor clutch performance.  With a 3-1 lead heading into the bottom of the eighth inning, Cubs starter Jeff Garofalo coaxed two flyouts from Fisk and Bruess.   Chicago fans prepared to get sloppy drunk in celebration.  However, those Budweisers would be used to drown their sorrows instead, as the Indians drew a walk and smashed a single before pinch hitter Sean Thompson crushed a go-ahead three-run blast off Dave Jordan to give Cleveland a 4-3 lead.  The Indians would hold that lead as the Cubs meekly bowed out in the ninth inning.

"We aren't giving up," said Luis Bartolotta, who went 2-for-3 with a home run.  "There's still plenty of time left to right our ship."

"I believe in the character on this club," said manager Lefty Craft.   "We've got a lot of high-character team guys who are going to do whatever it takes to win.  We can rally from a 2-0 deficit. I have faith."

"I can't believe I went 0-for-4," said Cubs second baseman Dan Merrill.  "This is totally going to destroy me when it's time to renegotiate my contract."

Old News

DAN MERRILL'S DIARY
Behind The Scenes With The Cubs 2nd Baseman

The following are excerpts from the diary of Cubs second baseman Dan Merrill. The Cubs, with a big lead in the National League, basically screwed around all month, knowing they would be heading into the World Series.

September 5, 2011
I hotfooted [Craig] Stillabower today.  A hotfoot is when you sneak up on a teammate and light their shoe on fire.  It's really hilarious.  The teammate will often leap up in surprise and hop around like an idiot for awhile.  He will usually yell obscenities and his voice generally goes up at least one full octave.

Of course, I'd forgotten Stilly already had a sprained ankle.  I guess I should've picked someone without a bum leg, but I was caught up in the moment.  It was still funny, though.  He leaped up and landed wrong on his leg, aggravating his injury.   He then fell and also burned one of his arms.  [Cubs manager] Lefty [Craft] fined me $10,000.  It was worth it to see everybody going to get the fire extinguisher and spraying Stilly in the face with it.  High grade hilarity!

September 12, 2011
Went 0-for-4 today in St. Louis, but my average is still hovering around the magic .300 mark.  If I hit .300, I get a $100,000 bonus.  So it's no secret what I'm playing this last month for.  It's nice to win games and everything, but screw that!   We're winning our division in a walk anyway.  I want that money.

Of course, I can't let the media know that this is my main motivation.  I'll need to continue peppering them with worn cliches about giving 110% and not thinking about personal statistics.  And the truth is, I don't think about personal statistics -- when I'm in the sack with one of my bitches.

Otherwise I'm consumed with them.

September 19, 2011
Took an 0-for-3 tonight against the Mets.  But the big story is that this is our last trip into New York for the season.  The Cubs have a tradition that every season, on our last road trip to the Big Apple, our rookies are required to sneak over to the Statue of Liberty and spray-paint "I LOVE GIVING HEAD" on that book she's holding.

This year, our rookie pranksters are Chris Deters, Josh Bolder, and Dode Behrend.  We're sending them out tonight.  Heh heh heh.

September 20, 2011
Well, they got arrested.  All three of them.  Actually Josh was shot in the leg by security, although he should be okay.  Man, they're sensitive around those national landmarks!  Maybe we need to have a less risky rookie hazing ritual.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.  Too much fun.

September 26, 2011
Ahhhhhh yes.  I hit .300!  On the dot, actually.  We're playing the Giants today in our last regular season game of 2011, but I managed to talk Craft into letting me sit out this game.  That way, I can avoid putting my .300 average on the line and actually earning it, thereby achieving my goal through massive cowardice.  Hey, call it what you will, but I'm 100 grand richer.  Up your butt.

After today, we're going to start preparing to play the Cleveland Indians in the World Series.  I guess it's time to hunker down and get serious.  After all, the winner's bonus is pretty sweet!

NOTE: Tobyvision's World Series coverage begins with the next Purist League update!  How exciting!

CUB INJURES SELF WHILE AVOIDING ROACH
Stillabower Trips and Sprains Ankle Running From Bug

CHICAGO, IL -- In a bizarre twist during the Cubs' final drive for the National League pennant, first baseman Craig Stillabower will miss a full month with a badly sprained ankle sustained while running from a roach in his house.

Stillabower, who is deathly afraid of roaches, was reading a Danielle Steel novel late Thursday night when he noticed a roach crawling up his wall.  He froze, putting the novel down during one of its most romantic chapters.

"I was hoping I could just will [the roach] into the crevices of my house or something," Stillabower said.  "Then, I could ideally get back to the book and pretend the roach never existed."

Then, however, Stillabower's worst nightmare came to pass.  "It turned out it was a flying roach," he recalled, his voice still shaking.  "The little son of a bitch flew right at me.  I gasped so loud I scratched my throat, instinctively shielding my face from the terrifying rodent.  In a panic, I sprung from the couch, slamming my foot into my coffee table.  Reeling from that, I struggled to regain my balance and landed on my foot awkwardly.  As a result, I sprained my ankle pretty bad."

The Cubs star, who is now on crutches, will have to watch most of the remainder of the regular season from the bench.  The Cubs called up utility infielder Jim Ayoub in his absence, moving Kyle Fleeting to first base and ushering Chris Deters into the starting lineup for the first time in his career at third base.

"Well," Cubs manager Lefty Craft remarked, "I suppose we didn't really need our star player down the stretch.  It's more important that he escaped the roach encounter without enduring more serious damage.  After all, roaches are really fucking dangerous and all.  Thank Christ Craigie's still alive."

"Shit, what can I say except thanks?" said Deters.  "I thought I would be pinch hitting the rest of my life.  Now I get to start at third.  And talk about an upgrade in the women department!  Chicks don't dig utility infielders.   I'm going to give Fleeting's ho Angel a call and see if she's interested in the Dete-man."

Deters denied that he has since purchased a roach farm, and that he was planning to release it in Stillabower's locker before the World Series begins.

PURIST LEAGUE POSTPONES GAMES
League Temporarily Shuts Down After California Falls Into Pacific Ocean

CHICAGO, IL -- This week's slate of Purist League games has been postponed and rescheduled at a later date, Commissioner Landon F. Willkie ruled Monday.

The decision was made out of respect for those who perished when California broke off of the continental United States and sunk to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

"Well, it sure puts sports in perspective, doesn't it?" said Cubs broadcaster Chip Caray after hearing of the incident.  "I mean, when something this horrific occurs, you really begin to understand how insignificant baseball is in the big picture.   I mean, look what I do for a living.  I basically talk while guys play a game.   Is there anyone in society more useless than me?"

Cubs outfielder Keith Mark agreed.  "We athletes eat, drink, and sleep sports," Mark said, "But when something like this happens, we have to face harsh reality for a couple of days.  I don't even care if I ever get another hit.  I hate myself."

"You know, when something tragic like this happens, it sure puts all my ho-pounding into perspective," Cubs third baseman Kyle Fleeting added.  "Somehow, banging the bejesus out of Serenity and Angel doesn't seem so important in the big scheme of things."

It has been a trying time for the Cubs' beat writers as well.

"I look around the office here, and I see real journalists: news correspondents, editorial writers, the works," said Chicago Tribune sportswriter Biff Bagley.   "These guys are relevant.  They're pros.  I write about games.   I suck."

The tragedy hit on-air sports radio personalities even harder.  "I'm only now realizing what a complete lie my life has been," said Cubs postgame call-in show host "Rockin' Rob", who routinely hurls loud personal insults at players and managers for failing to succeed at a game.  "I scream like a lunatic every day about this guy sucking, that guy who should be fired, yadda yadda.  This is my profession.   Really, I've never done a single thing of any substance or meaning in my entire life.  Luckily, I'll resume my idiocy after a brief grace period."

The mood was similar around Wrigley Field.  Fans in a bar across the street mulled the postponements and the world situation with aplomb and dignity.

"In light of this tragedy, I guess I kinda feel silly painting my face and taking my shirt off in 20 degree weather to root for the Cubs," said fan Larry Blakely, 41.   "But within a couple days I'll be clamoring for the games to start again under the guise of 'moving on.'  Gotta get back to living vicariously through my Cubbies, dontcha know."

Not everyone held identical opinions, however.  "I still think sports is kind of important," said Cubs manager Lefty Craft.  Craft was immediately blistered in the press and reprimanded by management, who demanded that he apologize or lose his job.

THEY'RE NOT BOOING;  THEY'RE SAYING "FYOOOOT"
Cubs' CF Rod Futrell is Target of Dumb Cheer

CHICAGO, IL -- Chicago Cubs centerfielder Rod Futrell is annoyed -- and not because he failed to bag a groupie last night.

No; it has to do with the fact that his adoring fans at Wrigley Field insist on greeting him at every game with the infamous chant of "Fyooooooooot!"  Many fans all around the nation enjoy cheering players with an "ooo" sound in their names in this manner.  Why?  Well, perhaps it's best explained by season ticket holder and huge Futrell fan Jim Blansky, 47.

"It really is quite a dichotomy," said Blansky.  "On the one hand, athletes whom we wish to scorn are usually greeted with a jeering "booooo" sound by the fans.  However, for athletes we like containing an "ooo" sound in their names, we have planned some ingenius, brilliant trickery."

"For instance," he continued, "Rod Futrell leads off for the Cubbies.   Now, he's a veteran and he's been here forever, putting together solid season after solid season.  Combine this with the fact that his last name is pronounced "Fyooo-trell" and we simply couldn't resist our new Rod Futrell greeting."

"It's 'Fyooooooooooot!'"

When asked what the appeal of this is, Blansky stammered for a few moments before muttering, "Well, we're not booing, see.  We're saying Fyooooooooot!  We don't hate him; we like him!  See?"

Being the absolute stupidest fan activity since the wave, this trend has caught on in all four major professional sports.  Its pseudo-cleverness knows no bounds of race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation -- although this activity has been described as "really gay" by people with IQs over 35.

"Personally, I hope all those fuckers die horrible, painful deaths," Futrell said of his fans.  "I mean, Jesus D.M. Christ!   Who came up with that??  They're not booing, they're saying 'Fyuuuuuut!'?   Can somebody who can successfully do long division explain this to me?  Are professional sports fans that bored?  Is it pure stupidity?  Haven't I earned something more creative than this?  Do I have to get another 1,000 fucking career hits to earn a snazzy greeting by the fans?  When's my contract up?  I wanna be traded."

But even with a trade, Futrell would be unlikely to escape this brand of idiocy merely by escaping the city of Chicago.  NBA star Maafulu N'diaye, a forward for the Siberia Clippers, constantly hears the chant from his home fans.  They, unfortunately, feel the need to chant "Foooooooooool," which beyond being really stupid, is downright insulting in this case.

"I don't appreciate those bastards," said N'Diaye.  "Hell, one night I went 3-for-17 and fouled out in the third quarter.  Instead of that goddamn "foooooool" chant, they actually started booing me.  I considered it a slight upgrade."

Purist League commissioner Landon F. Willkie said there was nothing that could be done about the mentally challenged fans' chant.  "If we required our fans to pass a basic intelligence test in order to enter the park, we'd go out of business," he explained.

SIMON SAYS, "NO-NO"
Cubs' Justin Simon Twirls No-Hitter vs. Dodgers

BROOKLYN, NY -- July 12th began as another ordinary day for Chicago Cubs pitcher Justin Simon.

He got out of bed, left $20 on the nightstand of his favorite New York ho, Angel, and headed for the bathroom to brush his teeth.  After a quick shower (and an extra-meticulous ass-washing for good luck, as is his custom on game days), Simon was ready to head out to venerable Ebbets Field to start that day's ballgame against the homestanding Dodgers.

From that point on, however, his day was anything but normal.  Simon, a 34-year-old longtime Cub, fulfilled a dream by pitching his first career no-hitter, blanking the Dodgers 2-0.

The Cub dugout began turning radically superstitious after Simon coaxed Dodger second baseman Davey Clark into a groundout to end the 5th inning.  When Simon returned to the dugout, he was -- as is customary in baseball tradition when a no-hitter is in progress -- avoided like the plague.  He was avoided to such an extreme that Dan Merrill, who drove in both runs for the Cubs, ended up sitting on the lap of Heath Bergland in order to maintain a healthy distance from the no-no-plagued Simon.

"Get the fuck off me, asswipe," Bergland noted, causing Merrill to take a swing at him.  A mini-riot commenced, with Cubs manager Lefty Craft separating several teammates as Dodger fans looked on and joked about the scuffle in their surly accents.

Unfortunately for the Cubbies, the fact that Simon proceeded to pitch a hitless 6th inning shortly after meant that -- again, ruled by superstition -- the other players felt obliged to slug each other after a bit of homo-erotic lap-sitting at the conclusion of each inning thereafter.

Meanwhile, Simon was left all by himself in the corner like a Trekkie at the prom.   "If I give up a hit, will you guys stop acting like mental patients?" Simon bellowed, but to no avail.  Figuring it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Simon went ahead and tossed hitless 7th and 8th innings.  With the 9th about to begin, teammates left a body condom in Simon's seat, to help further immunize them from the veteran pitcher.  Simon reluctantly donned the contraption, insulting his teammates' mothers very loudly while they ignored him and remained expressionless, staring straight ahead.

In the bottom of the 9th, Simon got pinch hitter Len Barber to ground out to third, and struck out Dodger leadoff hitter Jim Corvin on three pitches.  With only Brooklyn shortstop Javier Simmons standing between Justin Simon and history, the Cub hurler coaxed the ethnically confused batter into another groundout to third, sending the Chicagoans into ecstacy.  They lifted Simon off the ground and up onto their shoulders, in a totally non-sexual way.

"This is a dream come true," Simon shouted afterwards above the din.   "I've now reached one of my three major goals."

When prompted further, Simon explained.  "Well, I've always wanted to be a longtime major leaguer, and I've always wanted to pitch a no-hitter," he said.

"Now all I have to do is exterminate millions of Jews, and I'll be one happy girl!"

AMERICAN LEAGUE WINS WACKY ALL-STAR GAME
Seven Cubs Suit Up For National League

BOSTON, MA -- The Major League Baseball All-Star Game was the home to many yuks and hijinks, as players from both leagues gathered for a lighthearted exhibition before returning to regular play on Thursday.

"All the guys are just so wacky," said Cleveland Indians reliever Woody Thran.   "We're just here to have a good time. It's a nice stress-reliever before we go back to the serious business of trying to win a pennant."

The jovial, playful attitudes of many of the players were evident in the first inning, when Philadelphia hurler Russ Garcia fired a 95 miles-per-hour fastball at the chin of Cubs star Rod Futrell.  Futrell wackily motioned to the mound, making nutty obscene gestures and hilariously calling Garcia's mother a "two-bit whore."

Garcia responded by happily spitting in Futrell's general direction before home plate umpire David Lee Swenson laughingly got between the two combatants.

The shenanigans and goings-on had just begun, however, as San Francisco's Floyd Roe responded in the next inning by gunning a fastball over the head of Boston's Mike Jakubek.   Jakubek guffawed, dashing out to the mound and dealing an uproariously funny right cross to Roe's face.  The lighthearted lunacy continued as a full-scale brawl erupted on the mound, with both benches hysterically emptying and players giggling uncontrollably as they attempted to rip each others' throats out.

Even the doctors at local Pinecrest Hospital got into the act, as they reported on Roe's injuries.  "He's got multiple contusions and abrasions on his face," joked Dr. Jorge Sweitzer.  "And a depressed left eye socket!"  Sweitzer could then no longer control himself, and collapsed with laughter, reportedly peeing on himself.

Still, not everyone was enjoying the festivities, won by the AL 9-5.  "Back in my day, we took the All-Star Game seriously," grumbled American League manager Toots Babeski.  "Now all these guys want to do is be all huggy-face and shit.   Makes me sick."

A side note to this year's All-Star Game was the presence of seven Chicago Cubs.   Centerfielder Futrell and third baseman Kyle Fleeting started the game, while second baseman Dan Merrill, first sacker Craig Stillabower, and pitchers Justin Simon, Jeff Garofalo and Gino Levar also made the squad.

"I hate being here. I was going to go fishing on my three days off," Fleeting said, as teammate Simon joyfully patted him on the ass.  "The fans who voted for me can lick my junk."

News from June 9, 2011

LEAGUE SCHEDULE-MAKER ON DRUGS
Willkie, The Schedule Guy, High As Kite

CHICAGO, IL -- League schedule maker Landon F. Willkie was revealed to be a raging drug addict after making the bizarre decision to slate a 12-game Giants-Cubs series from early-to-mid-June.

The fact that series are usually just three games each did not faze Mr. Willkie.   "I cannot fathom the slinky," Willkie stated, his eyes bulging.   "It expands, then it contracts.  It is one with the universe.  Ho Chi Minh!"

Willkie, who is believed to have been in much the same mindset when creating the 2011 Purist League schedule, was formerly employed as a disc jockey at KHIGH in Denver, Colorado.  Before that, he was an intern at E! Entertainment Television.

"He got the job, frankly, because I had to hire somebody in a hurry," said Purist League commissioner Landon F. Willkie.  "I was late for a prostate exam, and I told my secretary, Betty W. Currie, to just go ahead and hire whoever was in my office at the time.  Turns out the guy I had just interviewed had leaped to his death just seconds before, and some idiot from a Denver radio station wandered in, completely hopped up on goofballs.  He thought he was Neil Armstrong.  But it appears I gave Betty the go-ahead to hire him."

"I thought he looked a bit strange, with the 142 syringes stuck in various parts of his body," Currie recalled.  "He looked like a voodoo doll.  But I was under strict orders."

Schedule-maker Willkie recalls the day he was hired as a good day.  "Nothing irks me more than a parrot playing the violin," Willkie muttered.   "Fie."

"I don't do drugs," added Tobyvision co-writer Erin K. Gleeson.  "I am drugs."

BLOUNT HAS MOODY DAY ON MOUND
Cubs Beat Giants Despite Pitcher Losing Cool

CHICAGO, IL -- CHICAGO, IL -- The Chicago Cubs expanded their National League lead to five games after disposing of the visiting New York Giants by a 5-3 score Monday afternoon.

The Cubs, whose five-run sixth inning provided all they would need, won despite veteran righty Chet Blount losing his cool on several occasions during the contest.

Blount hit Giants catcher Tim Dunmire in the first inning, a mistake which loaded the bases.  Nevertheless, Dunmire took exception to Blount's inside pitching and unleashed his anger on the 34-year-old Chicago pitcher.

"You look like a wee wee!" Dunmire shouted to Blount, pointing and moving towards the mound.

"Oh yeah?  Well your mother looks like Charles Kuralt!" retorted Blount, whose blood pressure was only beginning to rise.

"That fat bastard? Why you..." shouted Dunmire, before Cubs catcher Heath Bergland and home plate umpire Roy Eltham stepped in and prevented a full-scale brawl.  Dunmire edged his way towards first base, but the confrontation was not over yet.  Blount proceeded to make two pickoff throws to first, and while Dunmire easily made it back to first safely, Cub first baseman Craig Stillabower nevertheless felt the need to slam a vicious tag on the visiting Giant.

"Take that, dum dum!" Blount shouted from the mound.

"Eat Fran Drescher and die, meanie!" Dunmire retorted.

A similar confrontation occurred again later in the game, when Blount plunked Dunmire a second time.  The fact that this hit-batsman was intentional was as obvious as Christopher Lowell's homosexuality.  However, home plate umpire Eltham did nothing about it because he was too busy staring at a hot blonde in the fourth row.

Finally, Blount unleashed his temper once more after giving up a leadoff single in the top of the ninth inning.  Cub manager Lefty Craft trudged out to the mound to have a discussion with Blount and catcher Bergland.

"You guys see that blonde in the fourth row?" Craft smirked.

"You kidding?  I whacked off to her between the third and fourth innings," Bergland said.

"Wait, you're handling the ball on every play," Blount said nervously, but Craft cut off the conversation right there.

"Listen Blountie, I've been thinking.  I'm not gonna let you invest in Priceline.  That stock is a disaster.  Their own insiders were selling off that turd."

"Really?" Bergland said.

"Yeah.  You've got to play it smarter than that, kid," Craft said.

"I do?" asked Blount.

"I want you to look at the Copin Corporation," Craft added. "Now there's a bunch of quality mofos!  About a month and a half after that stock gapped down, it rebounded and hit an air pocket.  Soared about five points in two weeks.  Now that's the kind of..."

"Wait, Skip," interrupted Bergland. "Speaking of air pockets, I just cut one really bad."

"Alright," said Craft, motioning to umpire Eltham.  "Give me the lefty."

Left-handed closer Gino Levar came in from the bullpen, proceeded to get the last three outs, and was credited with the save.

NOTE:  Cubs shortstop Luis Bartolotta was placed on the 15-day Disabled List after suffering back spasms.   Bartolotta shrugged off any consternation about missing playing time, however.   "It'll give me time to catch up with All My Children," he said.   "Sure, I could be hitting game winning homers and making diving catches, but I won't be truly happy unless I know what's happening with Dixie and Dr. Hayward's affair, and the negative effect it's having on Dixie's son J.R./A.J./Junior -- who has turned to drugs, so depressed is he over his mother's shameless infidelity."


News from May 25, 2011

SUPERSTITIONS BEHIND CUBS' SUCCESS
First Place Showing Evidently Due to Ridiculous Crap

CHICAGO, IL -- Cubs outfielder Keith Mark has a quiet, unique routine before each game.

He rubs each ankle, does a handstand, masturbates to a picture of former Married With Children star Christina Applegate, and fixes himself a ham sandwich precisely one hour before each game.

"It works like a charm," he said glowingly.  "I hit over .300 last year, I'm hitting over .300 this year, we're in first place, and I nailed [first baseman Craig] Stillabower's wife last week.  And I owe every last ounce of it to my idiotic meaningless rituals."

Stillabower concurred.  "I like to touch my nose at exactly 11:45 am each day," he said.  "Then, immediately afterwards, I eat a meal consisting of gruel and mashed potatoes.  This, not my years and years of painstaking practice and hard work, is the reason I lead the club in RBIs."

"And," Stillabower added, "as if I needed anything else, my wife's a tigress in bed and would never dream of cheating on me.  I've got the perfect life."

Catcher Heath Bergland has his own curious ritual.   On the days when he starts, he paces in a perfect circle around the clubhouse muttering the words "Chili peppers burn my gut" for exactly (to the second) 47 minutes.  Then, he collapses onto the training table and listens to The Muffs' "Outer Space" on a loop for another 22 minutes before leaping to his feet, screaming at the top of his lungs, and quietly cutting his wrists.

"Yeah, I'm a cutter from way back," Bergland said, laughing.  "Some of the guys taught me that back when I was with the Lansing Lugnuts in A ball.  Those fellas were just the nuttiest when it came to unhealthy ways of dealing with one's emotional angst.  The comraderie was just awesome there."

"And look at me now," he added.  "I'm hitting the ball well and I finally beat out that goddamn Chinaman [catcher Greg Bing] for the starting job.  The world can, at long last, kiss my ass."

CUBS BRACE FOR SHOWDOWN
First Place On the Line vs. Giants

CHICAGO, IL -- Having completed a sweep of the hapless Brooklyn Dodgers at Wrigley Field, the first place Chicago Cubs travel to Seals Stadium this week to face the New York Giants.

The Giants, who stand two games back of the Cubs in the National League, will battle Chicago four times.  Though each team has only played 46 games to date, this series is considered crucial by many.  But Cubs manager Lefty Craft shrugs off the idea that there is any added pressure on his club.

"It's early," Craft said in his office wearing only underpants.   "Nothing's going to be decided this week.  We just have to keep playing ball."

Cub players had similar notions.  "It's early," said left fielder Keith Mark, staring intently at the latest issue of Jugs.   "Nothing we do before September 20 means anything.  We could literally stand at the plate with our thumbs up our asses, and it wouldn't matter.  In fact, screw it, I'm going to the beach instead."

The Cubs' schedule is a bizarre one at best.  Chicago is scheduled to play only the rival Giants (second place) and Reds (third place) for the next month leading up to the All-Star Break.  When league schedule maker Landon F. Willkie was asked what he was thinking making such a heavily weighted nonsensical slate of games, Willkie commented, "Well, to be honest I'm on a mind-blowing high right now, much as I was when I made the schedule.  I like oven mitts.  Yes, indeed I do.  I am the Lizard King, you know."

Still, the Cubs must play the schedule they are given, and this month should be crucial to their pennant hopes.  Nevertheless, when told that early season games count just the same as late season contests, center fielder Rod Futrell glared at this reporter, saying "It's early" in a creepy monotone drawl.

These sentiments were echoed last year as late as the final day of the regular season.   When asked to comment on the Cubs' World Series chances before the 75-78 club headed out to play its final, meaningless game, second baseman Dan Merrill stated quietly, "Well, it's been a long, disappointing season that I'd like to forget as soon as possible.  But it's early yet."

NOTE:  Merrill was placed on the 15-day Disabled List after badly spraining his right ankle in a recent game against the Cincinnati Reds.  The Cubs signed 32-year-old journeyman infielder Danny Carter to fill in.

News from May 1, 2011

CUBS EDGE REDS, 5-4
Take Note:  Cubs in 1st Place

CHICAGO, IL -- After a disappointing 76-78 record in 2010, these Chicago Cubs are the talk of the town after a 5-4 victory over the second place Cincinnati Reds at Wrigley Field.

Or at least they will be until the summer, when elderly people are expected to begin dropping like flies during the inevitable heat wave.

But, in the meantime, the first place Cubs just got a little bit healthier.  Annoying fundamentalist Bible-thumping loner outfielder Alonzo Cavins has returned from a devastating knee injury, and has reclaimed his starting spot in right field.  He went 2-for-4, and broke a commandment by stealing a base in his third game back against the Reds.

The game's big star, though, was Kyle Fleeting, who homered twice and drove in four runs on the afternoon.  "Well, I gave 110% out there, pretty much," Fleeting remarked.  "Wait, no. It was 108%.   Well, technically 108.34%.  I think I forgot to carry a 3 somewhere in there.   Forgive me, my brain's a little fuzzy after that unbelievable threesome I was involved in last night."

The Cubs are expected to plummet into mediocrity once they stop and remember that they're the Cubs.

ROOKIES FALL VICTIM TO PRANKS
Veterans Initiate Young 'Uns

CHICAGO, IL -- Every spring, on every major league baseball team, veterans play jokes on the rookies as part of the newbies' "initiation" into this grand old game.

"It's tradition," said Cubs' first baseman Craig Stillabower.  "It's all part of the comraderie in the clubhouse. When I was a rookie, [Kyle] Fleeting hotfooted me, and [Rod] Futrell had my nice clothes shredded and laid out on the bench next to my locker.  We all had a good laugh."

Rookies throughout the history of baseball have been routinely victimized by practical jokes at the hands of wily older players.  Whether being hit with pies during interviews, tricked into public nudity, or the aforementioned hotfooting (when one guy sets another guy's foot on fire), the youngsters of the game are expected to laugh through the embarrassment of realizing that the joke is on them.

Second baseman Dan Merrill has similar wacky stories of his early days as a Cub.  "Oh yeah, those crazy guys! When I first got here, Rick Weekley was the star here and he was the main jokester as well," he said.   "One time I got out of the shower and Weekley told me urgently to look in my locker.  Well, I rushed over there stark naked and opened the thing, and there's my grandmother's rotting corpse right beside my dress shirt.  Apparently my nutty teammates had bludgeoned her before the game.  I still can't stop laughing about that one!"

And then, of course, there was the legendary story of Kyle Fleeting's first week as a Cub.   "We all knew what a horndog Fleeting was," Weekley recalled.   "He had a huge reputation already by the time he got here.  We heard he got laid in Des Moines once, which has never been done by anyone before or since."

Continued Weekley, "Anyway, so we told Fleeting that there was a sizzling hot blonde waiting for him in the janitor's closet.  Well, the idiot goes racing in there, and the lights were out, and he just ripped off his pants and started going to town.   Turns out he was nailing [clubhouse manager Vito] Sarragucci in the ass, but he didn't find out till we told him during the second inning.  He puked all over third base right there during the game.  We told the media he had food poisoning or something.  Those idiots will believe anything."

"I don't normally swing that way, but it was worth it to get Fleeting good," Sarragucci said with a chuckle.

News from April 12, 2011

CUBS LOSE HOME OPENER
Rival Cardinals Upend Chicago, 4-2

CHICAGO, IL -- Causing every single goddamn local sportscaster to make some lame "wait 'till next year" joke just 10 games into the season, the Chicago Cubs dropped their 2011 home opener to the St. Louis Cardinals by a score of 4-2 before 31,310 at Wrigley Field.

"Local fans have already been heard saying 'Wait till next year,'" joked WJRK sportscaster Kip Skipman after reporting on the loss. He then chuckled and tossed it over to Flip Chipman, the station's wacky weatherman. Chipman, who secretly battles drinking and drug problems despite being beloved by all elderly viewers who haven't died in a summer heat wave yet, proceeded to forecast rain while pointing to a frowny face.

The loss dropped the Cubs into a second place tie with Cincinnati at 6-4. The New York Giants lead the National League with a 7-3 record. "The race hasn't even begun yet," declared Cubs manager Lefty Craft. "These sports hacks who all think they're amazingly fucking hilarious, I hope they get cancer."

On WHCK, sports director Drip Clipman noted that Cardinals starting pitcher Curt Hoar was a "Hoar for the dingers" while showing Dan Merrill's homer off a Hoar fastball. He then began singing the Village People's "In the Navy" while rolling highlights of St. Louis' Don Navy slamming a two-RBI double in the second inning. Clipman is apparently considered to be clever by many.

On WHOR, sports anchor Lip Fripman noted that Cubs losing pitcher Chet Blount (1-1) "turned in a CHETTY performance today." He then smirked, turning the broadcast over to the station's shockingly groundbreaking news anchor tandem, one which features not two men, nor two women -- but a man and a woman. Further, the two often have chatty exchanges which somehow cause lonely, elderly viewers to form a bond with them.

Blount, who heard Fripman's comment on television, did not respond. The pitcher was reportedly distracted by his search for a $20 bill to leave on the nightstand of callgirl Lola Fitzgerald, 15. "You were great, baby," Blount remarked.

News from March 8, 2011

OFFSEASON "CUBS CRUISE" TOO STUFFY
Players Forced To Behave Against Will

CHICAGO, IL -- The annual Cub Cruise, held every January as a get-together between players, coaches, and fans, proved too formal for many Cub players.

The cruise was attended by many parents and their children.  Thus, the players were generally expected to refrain from blue language and to keep their pants on.

"I did see one bitch I nailed a couple months ago," said pitcher Justin Simon.  "Unfortunately she was with her husband on this cruise, so there wasn't much I could do.  Plus their daughter looked like she was about 4 or 5.  That's a little too young for me."

Outfielder Rod Futrell concurred.  "Some kid wanted me to sign my 2004 baseball card from TobaccoWorld.  I asked him how it got so goddamn sticky, like what, did he fucking jizz all over it or something?  Shit, I thought the kid was some kind of prodigious sicko, but suddenly I start getting lectured by his tight-ass whore of a mom.  'How dare you use such language around my precious boy' and shit.  I'm like, 'whatever, cunt!'  That kid's gonna end up gay, mark my words."

Pitcher Irv McMains said it didn't take long for him to tire of being asked about his season-ending knee injury.  "I tried to be civil about it the first 250 times I was asked, but as the evening wore on some old granny ho asked me if I was going to be okay, and I ended up slamming her into the wall."   Informed that the 72-year-old woman -- a loyal season ticket holder for over two decades -- separated her shoulder during the incident, McMains mumbled something about an apology before returning to his bong.

Not everyone was miserable, though.  Catcher Greg Bing, a veteran of six marriages, met 19-year-old Jenna Curry at the cruise's bar late in the evening.  Curry, who took her 13-year-old brother to the event, disappeared with Bing into a storage room late in the evening.  "I was supposed to give her an autograph to give her brother, but I don't think she's going to show him where I signed," Bing remarked.  "I think I may have met lucky # 7!"

The Cubs' 2011 season begins in two weeks.

CUBS TRADE BAHR, RALAT
Minor Leaguer Rutledge Also Dealt

CHICAGO, IL -- Following their first losing season since the Lieberman Administration, the Chicago Cubs shook things up Tuesday.

The Cubs, 76-78 in 2010, traded veteran outfielder Brady Bahr to the Detroit Tigers.   Bahr, acquired last season from the Brooklyn Dodgers along with pitcher Jeff Garofalo, hit .254 last season after filling in for injured religious lunatic outfielder Alonzo Cavins.

Also going to Detroit in that deal was Clarence Rutledge, a shortstop from AAA Iowa.   In return, the Cubs got two minor leaguers -- outfielder Josh Bolder and righthanded pitcher Mike O'Bannon.

"While we appreciate Brady's fine service to our ballclub last season, we in the Cubs organization believed it was in our mutual best interests to part company," said Cubs' general manager Landon F. Willkie.

"Screw those assholes," Bahr said while packing for Detroit.

As for Rutledge, Willkie said, "We mutually felt it was appropriate to move in a different direction."

"They can kiss my ass," Rutledge fumed when informed of the trade.  "I hope we play the Cubs in the World Series so I can personally kick their sorry butts.   Well, actually maybe it'd be cool if they suck so bad that they don't make the World Series.  Well, but then I can never have my revenge.  Hmmm...screw it, I just hope the tail's good in [Tigers AAA affiliate] Toledo."

Meanwhile, in a bigger deal, the Cubs swapped longtime reliever Ross Ralat to the Philadelphia Phillies for their longtime reliever Dave Jordan.  "Some have said there's virtually no difference between these guys, but we believe we got a steal," Willkie said.  "Jordan is a solid pitcher.  This is definitely not some symbolic meaningless trade I'm pulling just to make it seem like I'm shaking things up.   I'm definitely not fearing for my job.  The owner definitely did not order me to bring in new blood or else.  I definitely didn't cry in that meeting.  This was just another trade.  Yep."

News from January 15, 2011

CUBS TAKE SHORTSTOP IN AMATEUR DRAFT
LSU's Jamie William is Chicago's First Pick

CHICAGO, IL -- The Chicago Cubs chose LSU shortstop Jamie William with their first round pick in Thursday's amateur baseball draft.

The collegiate slugger, who slammed 22 homers for the Tigers last season, was a First Team All-American who played three seasons in Baton Rouge.

"I've had about all I can take of campus binge drinking," William, 21, said.   "I feel I'm ready to binge drink on the professional level now."

"We're very pleased with this selection," Cubs general manager Landon F. Willkie said in a terse statement.  "He's only got two felony convictions so far, so we feel we're way ahead of the game with this pick."

The Cubs' picked junior college outfielder Milt Williams with their second pick.  In the third round, Chicago picked their first pitcher, lefthanded hurler Geronimo Sayre.   Sayre, an 18-year-old from Stalin High School in east Los Angeles and a veteran of six school shootings, had a 13-1 record with a 0.67 ERA in his senior season.

"I wanted him to become a dancer, but no," grumbled Domingo Sayre, Geronimo's father.  "He had to become a baseball player. I can never show my face in public again. I have no son."

Two other pitchers, high school righty Darnell Kingsley and Pepperdine southpaw Max Wellman, rounded out the Cubs' first five selections.  "We're pretty happy with Max," Willkie said.  "He's got a real live arm, plus I think he played the dad on ALF, so hopefully he'll boost attendance."

CUBS DRAFT PICK ESCAPES TO CANADA
Young CF Marty Rey Protests Selection

CHICAGO, IL -- In what has become a typical sign of the times, high school baseball player Marty Rey, the Cubs 24th round draft pick, has burned his draft card and is seeking refuge in Canada.

"When the Cubs called me to tell me they were taking me, I told them no way," Rey declared.  "I burned the phone and took off for Canada with only a jar of peanut butter to my name."  Rey hitchhiked most of the way there with a very friendly hippie who picked him up just outside Shelbyville, Ky.

"Dude!" the hippie commented.

Rey went on to elaborate.  "Man, the whole way up to Canada, we just kept talking about the man and how he was trying to keep us down and make us do things we don't believe in," he said from an undisclosed location.  "I cannot in good conscience play centerfield and catch baseballs for outs.  There's a guy on the other end of that equation too, you know.  The guy you're putting out. I could be killing someone's career."

Cubs general manager Landon F. Willkie, while disappointed, appeared to understand Rey's concerns.  "Who?" Willkie said.

What concerns many Purist League executives is the fact that this problem is not limited to Rey.  The Phillies' 25th round draft pick, Armando Delacruz, has been AWOL since hours after the draft was concluded.  And Shawn Warner, the Tigers' 23rd round pick, was found in a remote field in rural Nevada burning his bra.

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with these kids today," said Detroit owner Big Fat Rich Asshole.  "Nobody seems to care anymore about the honor and dignity of being obscenely overpaid to play a game."

"Screw them," added Asshole.  "I'll win this pennant myself if I have to."

News from October 27, 2010

GIANTS WIN WORLD SERIES
Nation Bored By Uneventful Series, Red Sox Jinx

NEW YORK, NY -- The New York Giants defeated the Boston Red Sox 6-1 at the Polo Grounds in Game 6 of the World Series, sealing the 2010 world championship.

As usual, the Red Sox failed to win the title after getting their fans' hopes up.   "I just wrote my seven trillionth column about the curse of the Bambino," said Bob Ryan, columnist for the Boston Globe.  "I am so fucking sick of this.   At first it was fun; the mystery of it was kind of intriguing and whatnot.   Then it started to get old, and now it's to the point where nobody in Boston was even watching the damn thing."

"I gotta agree," said Satan, Lord of the Darkness. "Babe told me he doesn't even care anymore.  People think there's this big magical curse and they try to make it into this fascinating ghostly story to cover up for the fact that the Red Sox play postseason games with their heads up their asses.  Truthfully, once Babe got down here he never gave the goddamn Sox a second thought.  And lately he's been way too busy trying to get into Princess Di's pants."

The series was tied at two games apiece heading into the pivotal Game 5 at historic Fenway Park.  TV Ratings-wise, the Giants' victory in that contest was defeated by a "Charmed" rerun on the WB.

"There is nothing like the World Series," said NBC's Bob Costas.   "It's a magical wonderplay of ballet and drama before millions of people, played in baseball cathedrals built with the sweat and tears of our honored ancestors.   But man, this sucked.  Ooooo, the Red Sox lost!  Big fucking deal.   Christ, even our crappy Olympic coverage is better than this.  Well, maybe I shouldn't go that far."

Visitors to the home of former Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner were greeted by a giant sign in the front yard that read "YOU CAN ALL LICK ME".

WITH SEASON OVER, CUBS PACK FOR HOME
Players Reluctantly Return Home To Wives

CHICAGO, IL -- The Chicago Cubs completed a disappointing 76-78 campaign with a 7-0 shutout over the St. Louis Cardinals Sunday evening.

Cubs players cleaned out their Wrigley Field lockers after the game, leaving behind memories of injuries, disappointing pitching, and great out-of-town tail.

"I guess I won't be seeing [Cincinnati groupie ho] Lori until next year," lamented married Cubs third baseman Kyle "Fucker" Fleeting, who had a tough year at the plate but a great year after hours.   "That's the toughest part of any offseason -- having to tell your broads goodbye for the winter."

Married Centerfielder Rod Futrell concurred.  "Yeah dude, I had this bitch in Brooklyn, Madelyn."  Added Futrell with a howl, "Man, what a set on her.  She shouted 'Oh Kyle' while I was bangin' her, though.   That was kinda weird.  I guess Fucker got to her earlier that day."

"My favorite ho was Brandi in St. Louis," said husband and father Ross Ralat.  "It's so tough not being able to see her for five months."  When reminded of the Cubs' sub .500 record, Ralat said, "Oh yeah, I guess that sucks too.  Whatever."

The Cubs were a disappointment for many reasons, but pitching was chief among them. Both Justin Simon and Paul Cracchiolo had down years, going a combined 19-26.  "I definitely think our pitching was a problem, but I don't want to single out Justin by name. Just because Justin sucked total ass doesn't mean we shouldn't have overcome that," Cracchiolo said.

"Put your right hand on your hip," Simon said.

Perhaps giving the season an appropriate conclusion, manager Lefty Craft said, "I get no pussy. I'm an old man, and my wife hates me.  See you guys next year."

News from September 7, 2010

BERGLAND'S HOMER BEATS CARDINALS 7-6
Game Winner Briefly Makes Catcher Popular With Teammates

CHICAGO, IL -- Chicago Cubs catcher Heath Bergland slammed a solo home run off hotheaded-yet-smooth-with-the-ladies Italian Cardinal reliever Giovanni McRay in the bottom of the 10th inning yesterday, giving the Cubs a dramatic 7-6 extra inning victory.

Bergland, who is an unpopular figure in the clubhouse for being an arrogant jerk and always having to have the last word about everything, had been 0-for-4 before his game-winning blast.

"Hell yes," said Bergland upon crossing home plate with the winning run in this, the final game of the three-game series at Wrigley Field.

"Normally I really hate Heath," said Chicago first baseman Craig Stillabower. "I mean, I don't know, he just -- he doesn't care about how his teammates feel about some of the things he says. He doesn't think about our needs, and, you know, we hurt sometimes."

"Like that time we lit his foot on fire," added second baseman Dan Merrill. "Hey, we were just trying to have a little fun with the rookie, but he couldn't deal with it maturely. So he comes back and shoots [Cubs reliever] Doc Edmisten in the thigh. I mean, Edmisten's a dick too, but you need to have some respect for the old guys."

"Heath has a problem with insecurity," said Cubs manager Lefty Craft. "Obviously when he was young, there was a time where he didn't really feel good about himself, and it looks like maybe he's compensating now, desperately trying to right past wrongs that really should've been dealt with in group."

But Craft quickly added, "Hell of a blast today, though. Shit."

Bergland's round-tripper -- his 13th of the season in part-time duty -- improved the Cubs' record to 67-71. While the Cubs are happy today, this win really means absolutely nothing to anyone. People will still die, wars will still be fought, babies will vomit, and the Cubs will probably lose tomorrow. It really makes one question the meaning of anything in this cold, lonely, evil world, a world whose climate will eventually be unable to support life, and will slowly crumble away. Unless, of course, an asteroid hits it first, killing everyone instantly.

The Cubs will begin a three-game series tomorrow at Crosley Field against the Cincinnati Red Legs.

PINNEY REFUSES TO SIGN AUTOGRAPH
7-Year-Old Child's Idealistic Hero-Worship Ends Abruptly

CHICAGO, IL -- Starting Cubs pitcher Jeff Pinney refused to sign an autograph for wide-eyed youngster Cole Brewington, 7, before the game at Wrigley Field yesterday.

Brewington, a second grader at Outcome Based Elementary, attended the game with his mother, his brother, and his fourth stepfather in as many years.

"Mr. Pinney?" the young boy said shyly, "You pitched great on Saturday! Can I maybe have your autograph?"

"Fuck off, kid," muttered Pinney, head down and hurrying off the field after pregame warmups.

"But Mr. Pinney, I waited over an hour, could you maybe--" Brewington said.

Pinney quickly responded, "Look, you little motherfucker, it's against league rules to sign, so get your worthless ass out of my face and die."

Just before Pinney exited out of view, he added one more thing. "Is that your mom?" he said, pointing to Brewington's hot blonde mother (cup size: 36D). "Yeah," Brewington sniffled, traumatized.

"That is fine pussy, kid. Room 367 at the Marriott, pass the word on to her, will ya? Thanks."

Brewington then wept softly until beaten into submission by his abusive stepfather, who told him men aren't supposed to cry unless they lose big at the craps table.

When Brewington asked his stepfather what "fuck" meant, he was angrily whisked home after another beating.

In the offseason, Pinney is expected to get a huge raise, adulation from millions, and a tremendous amount of incredible sex, largely because has a decent curveball.

News from June 3, 2010

CUBS' STILLABOWER, BLOUNT INJURED
Pain Not Even Related To Getting Out of All-Star Game

CHICAGO, IL -- Cubs first baseman Craig Stillabower and pitcher Chet Blount have each gone down with injuries within the past week, and with the All-Star Game still over a month away, the wounds are being considered legitimate, according to a team source.

"Goddamn, this hurts," said Stillabower of his injury located on a part of his body stubbornly unnamed by the 3DO Company.

"I concur," Blount added of his similar unnamed injury.

Stillabower will be out another week, and Blount nearly a month. The Cubs purchased the contract of Domingo Magallanes from Iowa, and have been platooning him at first with gay lefty Phil Tetreault in Stillabower's absence.

Taking Blount's roster spot is Dode Behrend, who spent a rather unsuccessful four games with the big club earlier in the season before being shipped back to the torturous, icy cornfield hell that is Iowa.

NOTES: Alonzo Cavins had three homers through his first 49 games. He has hit three in his last three games to double his season total. This surge was predicted in Revelations 14:17-19 as a sign of the end times ... Dan Merrill has gotten hot after his icy start. Nobody really cares, though ... Jeff Pinney has struggled a bit with a 4.85 ERA since his return from the DL last month. However, his record is still 2-1 and he is still the first guy on the team to collect his hefty paycheck ... Luis Bartolotta's average has slipped to .260 after his hot start. He still sleeps with his glove under his pillow, however... The Cubs' 17-14 come-from-behind win in Cincinnati on May 20, in which Chicago rallied from a 14-8 ninth inning deficit, was the greatest comeback since some date that I would know if I were a stat geek ... That game was described as "a wild one" in approximately 10 billion different media accounts of the game.



FAN UMPIRING EXPERIMENT GOES VERY BADLY
Spectators Call 2,723 Balks on Visitors

PHILADELPHIA, PA. -- An experiment launched by the Purist League ended in disgrace Tuesday after the 31,721 fans who attended the Red Sox-Phillies game showed an astounding lack of knowledge of baseball rules while awarding the home team every single call.

The 10 hour, 37 minute game finally ended when the only fan left in the stadium -- a 41-year-old visiting Red Sox fan from Pawtucket, RI -- began calling strikes on every pitch against the Phillies, including balls put in play, to finally bring an end to the debacle.

Standing out most were the 2,723 balk calls against Boston. Every time Red Sox pitcher Ryan McCaul threw to first base for a pickoff attempt, the fans called a balk, even on easy soft tosses on which there was never a hint of a motion towards home plate. Every fake pickoff throw to second, no matter how legal, was also called a balk.

Balks were also called when McCaul spit on the mound, scratched his nuts, flipped off the fans, and twitched his fingers as a result of his affliction with Tourette's Syndrome.

Amazingly, 1,245 balks -- nearly half -- were called with nobody on base.

"This was just a travesty," Boston manager Charles Stuart said. "I haven't been so disgusted since I killed my wife. A 222-0 baseball game? These fans deserve to roast in hell."

"I rather enjoyed it," said Phillies manager Santa Claus. "Oh sure, I'm late for my mail route, but it was historic. Stuart can kiss my ass."

News from May 15, 2010

PHILLIES PITCHER ARRESTED FOR THROWING INSIDE
Garcia Faces Jail Time for Brushing Back Tiger Third Baseman

PHILADELPHIA, PA. -- Philadelphia Phillies righthander Russ Garcia was arrested Friday evening after establishing the inside part of the plate during a Phillies-Tigers matchup at the Baker Bowl.

"I have never in my life seen such a horrific display of brutality," said home plate umpire Nicky Robinson, who would've ejected Garcia on the spot had he not looked away momentarily to eat a Tastykake while the pitch was thrown.

The victim, Detroit third baseman Chris Sperka, used a minimal amount of energy to flinch as the pitch missed hitting him in the ribs by only four inches. Still, says Sperka, "He [Garcia] took something away from me today that I can never get back. I can never, ever retrieve the energy that I used to slightly flinch."

Under Article VI, section 2D of the Ray Chapman Clause, a pitcher can face up to 20 years in prison for such a heinous offense.

"I hope Mr. Garcia (5-0, 1.36) enjoyed his little win tonight," Philly police chief Wink Cullen said of the 9-3 triumph over the Tigers. "We expect it to be the last time he will see daylight for a long, long time."

What could've been the motivation for such a senseless act? Psychologists believe a pitcher may be drawn to throw inside after repeatedly giving up 450-foot bombs -- bombs that may result from the batter standing on the plate, sitting on one outside pitch after another.

"How dare he try to take away all the joy that a 20-11 game brings the fans?" said Detroit owner Big Fat Rich Asshole. "Pitchers being beaten to a bloody pulp, humiliated and tortured and booed as bushels of runs light up the scoreboard ... it's Americana," added Asshole.

"Duuuuuuuh me like home runs," added typical fan Jim Knudson after the game. "Man hit ball far, me cheer."

Knudson then began to drool.

COMMISSIONER DISCUSSES REALIGNMENT AGAIN
Owners Oppose "Motherfucking Limp Dick's" Plan

CHICAGO, IL. -- Purist League Commissioner Landon F. Willkie once again stepped to the plate to deliver a radical realignment plan that would reshape the American and National Leagues and confuse the hell out of everyone.

"I thought it would be cool if like, we shifted the Tigers to the NL and the Cardinals to the AL -- but ONLY for like, half a season," Willkie panted. "Then we'd be all like, hey, let's switch 'em back for the second half, while at the same time shifting the Yankees to Pluto and the Marlins to the AL."

Purist League owners, predictably, reacted harshly to the all-encompassing proposal.

"What a motherfucking limp dick cocksucker I am," said Landon F. Willkie, owner and GM of the NL's Chicago Cubs. "I think my plan is complete horseshit. The Marlins aren't even IN the Purist League. I can just go to hell."

The plan, which would force the Mets to not only shift to the AL on August 1st, but would force them to wear pink polka dotted caps on Sundays, was met with resounding obscenities at league meetings Friday -- obscenities, says league disciplinarian Landon F. Willkie, which will not go without stiff penalties.

"Anyone caught cursing out the PL's Commissioner will be sent to my office and may have to miss recess," Willkie said sternly.

"Willkie Willkie Willkie Willkie Willkie," added actor John Malkovich.

News from May 10, 2010

PINNEY'S IMMINENT RETURN SIGNALS DOOM FOR BEHREND
Southpaw Reliever Likely Ticketed for Minors, Inferior Trim

CHICAGO, IL -- The return of ace pitcher Jeff Pinney, who has been out of action for nearly a year, will likely result in journeyman lefty Dode Behrend being returned to Triple-A Iowa.

"I'm probably going back down," moaned the 25-year-old reliever. "It's just typical. Nobody likes me. Nobody."

Behrend, who was planning one last wild orgy with team groupies Marianna Richardson, Natalie Jacobs and Kerri Leigh before being farmed out, will likely have to return to the cheap hookers that come with minor league anonymity and low salaries.

"You have any idea the kind of pussy you get in Des Moines?" Behrend lamented. "Believe me, it's nothing like the cute farmer's daughter stereotypes you see in classic '70s porn."

Behrend isn't taking his fate lying down, however. He has secretly slipped a note under the door of Cubs management on which he scribbled "[Cubs reliever] Roberto Goodman's shoulder is a little sore...Rehab perhaps???" Also, the underfoot Behrend was caught attempting to trip the newly healthy Pinney just outside Wrigley Field Monday.

"I failed at that, too," said Behrend, who sports an 8.10 ERA in four games. "I'm just a big loser."

PIG INTESTINES ONCE AGAIN NATION'S TOP BALLPARK SNACK
Intestines and Heart Bits Wrapped in a Bun Tickles Fans' Fancy

CHICAGO, IL -- A report by Chicago's Beef Is Good Food Council reveals that, once again, by a staggering margin, pig intestines and hearts wrapped in a tasty bun were Americans' top choice among all ballpark delicassies.

"You know what they say -- baseball is as American as apple pie and cooked, finely-ground intestines," said Larry Markham, a 47-year-old lifelong Cubs fan from DeKalb, Ill. enjoying his favorite ballpark food. "Hey! I think I got an aorta this time!"

With 47%, the animal digestive and circulatory organs topped the list, easily outdistancing nachos (19%), Cracker Jacks (13%), and popcorn (10%).

ST. LOUIS DEFEATS CUBS 7-5
As Usual, Cardinal Fans Riot Afterwards

ST. LOUIS, MO. -- Just minutes after St. Louis Cardinal closer Ross Borchelt put the finishing touches on his team's 7-5 victory over their rival Chicago Cubs, Redbird fans took to the streets and began overturning cars, looting stores, and causing general mayhem before being repelled by copious amounts of tear gas from cops.

Sadly, the scene has become all-too-typical in modern-day America. Ever since former Lakers star Shaquille O'Neal sunk 16-of-19 free throws in an L.A. win against the Siberia Clippers in February 2003, causing delirious widespread riots across California, it has become the norm to riot after ordinary regular season wins.

Wild chants of "Tied for fourth! Tied for fourth!" rung throughout the streets of Missouri, as the 17-18 Cardinals caught the Mets in fourth place in the National League.

"This is typical of the decline in American morality," said police chief Edgar Lapeyrouse. "Woe is us, I suppose. Oh, for the integrity and moral fortitude of the WWF!""

Lapeyrouse was then shot. He was 46.

CUBS MANAGER THREATENS TO SHIFT LINEUP
Merrill Could Move Down to Sixth, Likely to Pout

CHICAGO, IL -- Chicago Cubs manager Lefty Craft began hinting at a lineup shakeup after Monday's 7-5 loss to St. Louis.

"I'm pretty much going to change the lineup," Craft said craftily, deftly giving just a touch of a hint about a possible shakeup.

Cubs second baseman Dan Merrill, the 2005 Rookie of the Year, hit third most of last season, accumulating 37 homers and 114 RBIs with a .289 average. Merrill has found the going tough this season, however, as his punchless 1-for-4 performance against the Cardinals actually increased his abysmal average to .203.

"I don't know what the deal is," Merrill agonized as he sat naked in front of his locker listening to Dynamite Hack's cover of "Boyz 'N the Hood" on a loop. "I'm just a little slow with my swing this year. I'm not seeing pitches very well out of the pitcher's hand. Plus, the spectacular amount of drinking and whoring I've been doing as a result of my big year last season could be part of the problem."

Craft wasn't so sure. "[Cleanup hitter and Cubs RBI leader Kyle] Fleeting bangs more groupies than anyone on this team and he's hitting .362," he said.

If Merrill is demoted to sixth in the batting order, psychological tests taken before the season indicate that pouting is a near certainty. There is approximately a 40% chance he will demand a trade and a 3% chance he will become the first ever white convert to Islam and assume the name Malik Hassad Abdur Merrill.

"I really don't see myself taking this like an adult [if it happens]," Merrill later said from his yacht (built by cheap Latin American child labor). "I mean, think about it. I'm a big star. Just leave me where I am and I'll start hitting eventually, maybe. Me me me me me me me me me!  And finally, me."

Candidates to assume the third spot in the order are Bible-thumping outfielder Alonzo Cavins (.282, 2 HR, 17 RBI, 6 SB, 13 converts) or roach-fearing first baseman Craig Stillabower (.390, 7 HR, 25 RBI, nine screams like a little girl upon seeing a flying roach).