2. Which spice does Toby prefer: basil or paprika?
3. What's the point of this site? Can I get the Mariners score here?
5. What's the goddamn point of algebra?
6. I have the theme song to "Greatest American Hero" stuck in my head. What should I do?
7. It hurts when I pee. Does this make me gay?
11. You still love Jesus, right?
12. Why isn't Martin Van Buren on Mount Rushmore?
13. And why does no one speak of Lincoln's ass?
14. Spiders! Spiders! Get 'em off me! AAAAGGGHHH!
15. Amish people are supposed to be gentle, but one kicked me in the shin last summer. Explain.
16. Sometimes I dream that Peter Scolari is my math teacher. Why?
17. I have a horrible fear that I'm being watched by John Stamos. What should I do?
18. Is there a God, or is that just Carl?
19. I once made love to a shoe. Would this action be supported by Jimmy Carter?
20. I like some things, but other things I don't like. Does that make me gay?
22. Well spank my thigh with a rotting grapefruit.
23. Does Jose the Magic Tampon have a college degree?
24. Is Captain Honeydukes secretly gay?
25. Why doesn't Lady Skanksalot call the cops?
26. Why doesn't Lady Skanksalot wear a bra?
27. I find this site insulting. Whom should I bitch to?
29. Why aren't there any Lichtenstein-Americans?
30. How did Chrissy manage to get so incredibly dumb by season four of Three's Company?
32. How would life have been different if Eugene Debs had been elected president in 1912?
34. I got a nasty rash after wearing your Captain Honeydukes sweatshirt. Whom should I sue?
39. Isn't What About Jesus? a tad sacreligious?
40. Why is Tobyvision writer Steve Ruiz a ho?
41. Why hasn't Toby come out in favor of expanded TV listings which include the porn channels?
42. Is Jose the Magic Tampon religious?
43. Where can one purchase Jose's latest book, I Came, I Saw, I Absorbed?
45. Is Kitty Van Buren a virgin?
46. Is it true that Jose the Magic Tampon was once a movie critic?
47. Is your merchandise page a joke? Is that real merchandise?
48. Is soccer the most boring thing in the universe, or just the most boring sport in the universe?
49. How many Kitty Van Burens does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh dear. What an interesting question. I must admit I wasn't
expecting it.
Toby is a fork. "A fork??", you say? Yes, a fork. He
seems to be running things around here. In fact, we've built an entire web site
around him. Our premise is definitely not razor-thin.
Toby prefers neither. He is a strict Jehovah's Witness. As we all know, witnesses of Jehovah do not support the use of spices, for spices have been known to hinder people's ability to knock on doors.
This site is mainly to let people know the shortest route to Billings, Montana
from the Denver airport.
No, seriously. The point of this site it to teach the people of the world the
message of Tony Danza. What is his message, you ask? "I still got
it.", says Danza.
The Mariners suck.
Write a check for 10 billion dollars to "Tobyvision.com". That should take care of the problem.
Well, you see, it's like this: Adolescents are extremely loud, obnoxious, and
they are good for absolutely nothing. Therefore, we lock them in a little building for
four years, slyly labeling it "high school" so that they don't figure out we're
just jailing them until they're 18. Now, in order to make them think there's a greater
point to this little charade, we pretend we're teaching them things.
Unfortunately, we ran out of ideas and had to develop "filler" subjects like
algebra and fine arts. This opened up many, many jobs for gay teachers, and our economy
could suffer if we pull back now.
Here's what you do: grab a hammer and hit yourself over the head with it until you pass out. Or until you think you're James Taylor.
Homosexuality is a deeply complex phenomenon. Some believe it's a basic
lifestyle choice, while others remain convinced that it is entirely genetic. Still others
believe it is a mixture of nature and nurture -- that while one may be genetically
predisposed to homosexuality, they may be nudged towards such an orientation by years of
overbearing mothering.
Anyway -- yes, you are gay.
It's hard to tell. Toby is amazingly perceptive, but he was hit by lightning in 1987. This left him as obnoxious as a monkey in heat.
Rent "Fat Penis and the Clitoris Kids" and you'll see for yourself.
Sir, Toby Van Buren feels no need to apologize for the behavior of his fellow
fork. You see, forks each have their own thoughts and personalities, so one cannot
associate one fork with the actions of another.
Further, Toby believes that after years and years of human-to-fork abuse, it's
about goddamn time one of his brethren struck back. We pressed him further on this issue,
and he muttered something about the government owing forks reparations.
We hope you rot in hell for even asking this question. But please keep
visiting our site!
Jesus is just a typical man. He goes and floats up into heaven, promising us
he'll call. But where is Jesus? It's been 2,000 goddamn years, and he hasn't called. We
thought he really liked us.
Oh well. That David Koresh guy is kinda cute...
He is not on Mount Rushmore because of his race.
The beauty of Lincoln's ass has been a cover-up for far too long. It all started with the Nixon administration. Nixon ordered the CIA to burn all pictures of Lincoln's ass, for he felt that it stole the glory of his.
You know what you need? You need a little something called "Gimme a Break", starring Nell Carter.
Wouldn't you be grumpy if your religion forbade sex?
Well, the answer to this question is crystal clear. You have that dream because
Peter Scolari is a great, great American, more so than any other. Mr. Scolari is a fine
actor and a gracious human being, and if that bastard Tom Hanks thinks he's more talented
than the handsome and witty Peter Scolari, well, he can die!
Mr. Scolari is easily more talented as that fucker Hanks, and quite obviously was the
superior Bosom Buddy. It's not even close. I just know that he could've done twice as much
with the material Hanks botched in "Big", and I am positive that Private Ryan
would've had far fewer worries had Mr. Peter Scolari been there to save him rather than
that inferior nincompoop Hanks. I am shocked, saddened, and disturbed at the shockingly
and unjustifiably unequal career paths of these two men. Lord, have mercy on Tom Hanks, a
sinner. Thank you.
You're not being watched by John Stamos, you paranoid freak. Anyone can see that's Dave Coulier behind the bushes.
It's Carl. God was fired last season after a disappointing 4-12 record.
Jimmy Carter has undoubtedly lusted after many shoes in his heart; but to carry
out such an action, no ... I suspect the President would oppose such a scheme.
On the other hand, perhaps it matters how you feel about the shoe. If you
truly love the shoe and are willing to settle down with it, then Mr. Carter cannot object.
As we all know, Jimmy fully supports meaningful relationships with footwear.
No, but it makes Jimmy Carter gay.
Many people fancy themselves statesmen despite the fact that each and every one of them expels feces from their asses on a semi-regular basis. It's really impossible for anyone to be considered dignified when one considers this biological inevitability.
I tried to last night, but your mother gave me a better offer. Damn, I'm witty.
Jose attended the University of Northern Iowa, earning a bachelor's degree in Absorption Economics in 1997.
The Captain was unavailable for a comment at this time, but we were disturbed to
discover that our Honeydukes is an avid Teletubbies fan. He's been known to roam the
halls of Tobyvision, Inc. sporting his well-worn La-La t-shirt. "Wear
it loud and proud," Honeydukes often shouts. Don't get us wrong. We're
not saying he's gay, it's just that these things should be known.
It's also important to understand that 'Dukes isn't a deep thinker -- and therefore he
struggles with the concept of overcompensation as it relates to hiding shameful parts of
one's life. One may consider it a sort of quasi-"The lady doth protest too
much" syndrome, but then it starts to get too complicated and you're ready to just
see the Cap'n start smacking his ho around again.
She has very, very low self-esteem.
Because she has failed to take the gentle hints of her girlfriends to heart.
Thanks for taking the time to read our site and offer your views. Everyone's opinions are welcome here, and we want to hear from you! If you have any comments, questions, or complaints, please feel free to e-mail us at gofuckyourself@lickmyballs.com. Thanks again!
Yes, before that snot-nosed Zack Morris took over and made the whole band go downhill. Once a progressive punk rock band, Loafie and the Fishes took a downward spiral into pop music oblivion. "You know that cute mop of blond hair Mr. Morris has? Two words: hair plugs," said a slightly bitter Jesus D.M. Christ.
Many believe they died out when a large meteor struck the Earth millions of years ago. However, modern scientists are beginning to formulate the hypothesis that nobody cares.
That's an excellent question. Chrissy started off as kind of dim, and ended up being unable to feed herself by the time her character was written off the show. Actually, if you really study it, the same pattern can be seen with Homer Simpson. We're not sure why this seems to be the trend in television series. Has anyone gotten progressively smarter over the course of a show's run? If you can think of any good examples, e-mail me at evilboss@tobyvision.com and we'll mull it over for a few seconds before changing the subject to something relevant to world affairs.
I think it's all Dr. Fad's fault. His ugly sweaters drove everyone into an invention-making frenzy. Besides, in the 80s you had a choice. Invent something, or watch Diff'rent Strokes. We're confident that all of the above examples took the just and moral path.
We'd all be forced to worship Ross Perot, which is somethink we here at Tobyvision fully support. I mean, just look at his fabulous thighs!
No-oooooooo! No no no no no! And anyway, you've got a great personality.
Don't sue Tobyvision, sue Honeydukes himself. His pockets became surprisingly deep when Lady Skanksalot's rich aunt keeled over.
You, sir, are deranged.
This was a rumor started back in 1989 by Pat Robertson during a never-repeated
episode of The 700 Club in which Pat became drunk and exposed himself to that
nice harmless black man that's always sitting next to him agreeing with him on everything.
Since then, Pat backed off his statement and became fast friends with Toby.
During the 1990s they were often seen bowling together.
Sadly, Toby has since cut Robertson out of his will after the nacho incident in 1998.
NOTE: We at Tobyvision condemn child pornography, and we handle questions
on this sensitive subject only in the hope that our answer may help force a solution to
this terrible plague on society.
Joan recently moved to Canada where she is seeking work. Although she is a somewhat talented tapdancer, she has yet to be accepted by an employer. However, as we all know, tapdancing is huge in Canada. Bon voyage, Joanie!
No.
Yes, but wasn't the song "Call Me Al" also considered "a tad sacreligious"? And just look where we are now.
His great grandfather was a ho, and that particular trait generally skips two generations on the male side.
It's not Toby's responsibility. We suggest you repeatedly call, write, and e-mail the office of Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD) until something is done about this.
Jose was a Christian until he discovered a little-known verse in Leviticus condemning the absorption of abnormally large amounts of fluid. Since then, he has turned to Satan. But he's still a cutie, isn't he?
You can find Jose's book at your local old man.
Booger's radio show is not very good. Imagine the one minute clips on our site extended to three hours. We suggest you listen to that lovely Dr. Laura person, as she is the epitome of talent and panache.
She staggers into work every Monday and declares herself a "secondary virgin." We're not sure if that counts.
In his younger days, Jose was considered the Roger Ebert of porn films.
It is real merchandise. IT IS REAL MERCHANDISE. Do you think
everything we do here is a joke? No. You can actually buy this stuff. We
are not kidding, goddammit.
What, you think just because we sell shirts with tampons on them, we're not serious?
Fuck you. Fuck you and your whole worthless family.
Now, buy our stuff! Thanks!
It matters who you ask. It hasn't caught on in America, which raises some very
important questions: Are Americans uncultured assholes? Or are we just smarter than
everyone else?
The smart money here says we're far more intelligent than the rest of the world, and that
soccer is an invention of Lucifer intended to kill all that is good through sheer
unwavering boredom. Then again, we keep saving those Euros' smelly uncircumsized
asses every 40 years or so, so how smart can we be?
Thirty-three thighs.
Well, you see, creating and writing a comedy website requires a lot of thought
and deliberation before one would be willing to take such a significant step as...
Oh, just lick my balls, you greedy turd.